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Review #4070430
Viewing a review of:
 Life between fires.  [E]
(first person) Dreams in detail.
by history's bend
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


I saw this story listed on the Read a Newbie page and took a look. I hope you find my comments helpful.

I like the surreal style you used in writing this. A burned house, an apparition, stunted dialogue. The premise is a solid one, and the story is filled with emotion.

There were some places in the story where I became confused.

First, the beginning of dialogue following the opening quotation mark should be capitalized.

You wrote:
"so this is all that's left"..............Your voice was hushed but clear.

"left of what"...I croaked, finding my voice.

Corrected:
"So this is all that's left,"
"Left of what?"

Another thing that confused me was the over-use of periods. "So this is all that's left"..............Your voice was hushed but clear.

You do this throughout the story. It is confusing and jarring. The last thing you want to do is have your reader put your story down because the story appears to be poorly written.

Conclusion:
The premise of this story is solid. You filled it with emotion, not easy to do, but you did it well. I like the location, it fit well with the theme.

I suggest you take the time to put this story in order, it is worth the effort.

Bikerider












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