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Review #4070660
Viewing a review of:
 I'm Not Laughing, Though  [18+]
A poem about my experience with relapsing into EDNOS.
by gauntly
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello, gauntly . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Snow1*

*Ornament2r* General Impressions: This story is about falling into the cycle of EDNOS, something that I don't personally have experience with, but that I've seen in some people close to me. The thing with EDNOS is that it's a disease and an addiction. Addictions are so hard to break especially when they're combined with mental illness. I think you did a good job of drawing from your experience and making it easy to relate to in this poem.

*Ornament1g* Best Parts: I liked the bolded headers that broke the poem up into different sections based on day-to-day situations that are affected by your EDNOS. The things that we might do on a regular basis are a challenge for you due to this disease. My favorite part was the beginning because it explains what set this off and how truly easy it is to set off an eating disorder. A simple check on the scale can quickly become a downward spiral for those in a fragile state of mind.

My favorite two lines were:
Sucked in the gut and checked for bones,
My body had turned my mind into a battle zone.

I think this is the perfect way to describe your frame of mind to someone who may not understand the thought process that goes along with an eating disorder.

*Ornament3r* Possible Suggestions: In the poem, each line in a stanza rhymes, whether there's two or three. The issue with this is that in order to have a smooth flow throughout, you have to keep it consistent throughout. There were several times in the poem where the lines were much too long to flow together smoothly.

For example:

"That's absolutely shameful." I mutter.
I pinched my arms, legs, and stomach, just now feeling all of the blubber.

Mutter and blubber rhyme well enough together, but the rhythm is thrown off by the length of the second line. It isn't quite an easy fix either because if you simply make it...

"That's absolutely shameful." I mutter.
I pinched my arms, legs, and stomach,
just now feeling all of the blubber.

...the rhyming pattern will be thrown off because it no longer follows each line rhyming in the stanza. You'll most likely have to go back through and rework those in the spots where they show up. There are a few I can see throughout.

*Ornament4g* Summary: Overall, I think your topic is an important one to discuss and I really hope you're doing better now. I do think there could be some improvement with the flow, but the emotion and imagery overall was spot on. Thanks again for sharing with us!

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