Hi Ellis,

I'm going to send a few individual thoughts for each chapter, and then I'll send an overall review for the item as a whole as soon as I'm done with the individual components.

I think this chapter would be stronger if you continued to describe the action of the invasion, rather than just mentioning that "chaos unfolded." In writing, the advice is often "show, don't tell," and - while there are times when "telling" is helpful or useful - I don't think this is one of those times. We're still in the early stages of this story, where the readers are still making up their minds about whether this is a story they want to invest in and read further. I think you'd be better served by describing the scene in detail and giving the reader some insight to how you intend this story to unfold on a more detailed level than just a sweeping overview. "Telling" is generally more effective after you've established everything and are a good portion of the way through the narrative, rather than when you're in the first few chapters.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .