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Review #4079128
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of The Proud Father  
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


I saw your short story, "Invalid Item"  listed on the Please Review page and took a look. I hope you find my comments helpful.

I was struck by the sad theme of this story; a father shooting his own son. But in today's world, I can see how the story is timely, it's sadness repeated any number of times.

The Story:

The opening sentences or paragraphs of any story is called the 'hook,' because this is where a writer hooks the reader. The hook should place questions in the readers thoughts, questions that reading further will be answered. Your opening sentences did the trick. Emergency vehicles on a Friday night, the loss of local heroes, people going about their business but with a hint of foreboding. This is a good way to open the story. Well done!

Dialogue:

There is no dialogue in this story. And that's really too bad because there is so much that dialogue can add to this story. You mention that this is a contest entry, so I'm assuming there is a limited word count allowed. But still, dialogue adds so much to a story. Many readers will skip over pages of prose just to get to the next page where there is dialogue, and that shows the importance of using it.

Characters:

There are two main characters in the story. Andrew and Stephen Anderson, father and son. The story would benefit from some description of the characters, even if just a brief statement about age or something about background. Was Stephen a past high school football star? Is that his reason for being so hard on the team for the loss? It always helps a reader to get into a story if he/she can see the characters. Again, if there is a word count limit then maybe there was no room for description, but if you haven't reached that limit, I suggest adding a bit of character description.

Conclusion:

I like the theme of this story because, unfortunately, it is timely. You did a good job with this, but it could use some polishing. If you have room for more description, and maybe a bit of dialogue, I would add it. If not, then after the contest is over I suggest you making this the story it can be. It's worth the effort.

This is my opinion, but I thought I'd give you the following suggestions:

The presentation of a story is much like the presentation of a fine meal. You will gather more readers if the presentation of your story looks professional. I suggest a double space between paragraphs. I also suggest you use a larger font size. Using the default font size makes the story look condensed and squeezed together. This review is done with font size 3.5.

I also want to mention that there is a contest, "Invalid Item"  that you can take advantage of until you have been a member of WDC for 6 months. I think you can still qualify. The word count limit on that contest is 2500 words, so there's plenty of room for a well thought out and well written story.

I enjoyed reading your story and I'm glad you choose to share it. Good luck with the contest, and keep writing.

Bikerider


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