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Review #4079777
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by A Guest Visitor
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Hello, I'm Bikerider . I am pleased to offer you this review on your entry "Invalid Item"  as a judge for the "A Romance Contest" . I offer this review with the hope that you will find my comments useful.



*CheckR*Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:{{/size}/c}
You followed the prompt well. The song, "Last Winter" is not only seen here as the theme of the story, but the words are also used in the dialogue between the two main characters.

*CheckR*What I liked:
I liked that Michael hasn't just become rich through some easy means like an inheritance or winning the lottery. Being an inventor makes him more realistic, and more likable. That he was determined not to be swayed by Terri and how much she pushed him to earn more money gives him character, life, and makes the reader understand that he is true to himself.



*CheckR*Distractions:

There is what is called a character dump in the third paragraph:

The reunion would be at Phil’s new house at the south end of their old neighborhood. Everyone was going to be there; Phil and Diane as hosts, Rick and Susan, and Tommy and Barb. Terri, my ex, would be there too, maybe with her fiancée. Noah had not been one of our original group, but as Terri’s boyfriend of one year, he was invited. Phil said not to say anything, but they were having problems according to Diane. Everyone suspected Noah was having an affair. Phil told me because at one time Terri and I appeared to be the closest couple of them all. That had ended a year ago, last Christmas. Phil’s little sister, Marnie, would be there, too. She had spent a lot of time with the eight of us after their mom died. Marnie was a little sister to all of us.

There are a lot of characters in this paragraph, and there is also a lot of information to sift through as well. Phil, Diane, Rick, Susan, Tommy, Barb. Terri, Noah. Some of those people are having problems, some are hiding secrets, some are passing along rumors. The thing is, these characters are barely mentioned in the story. It might have been better to introduce each of them through dialogue during dinner, that way the reader would not only meet them but learn a bit about them.

It is always better to sprinkle characters throughout a story, the same as a writer does when describing characters. It is difficult to keep track of the many characters when they are all introduced as a group in one paragraph.

I wondered why you didn't give the reader the main character's name until well into the story when Michael and Marnie are loading the dishwasher. As I read from the beginning of the story to this point, I kept asking myself, "What is this guy's name?"


You begin your story in 1st person POV, Michael's. There are two places where you revert to 3rd person POV.
1. When Marnie reminds Michael about the time he kissed her, and again when Terri joins Marnie and Michael in the kitchen.
Changing POV is okay, but it should be done when there is a change in location, time, or character, and the transition should be obvious.

You wrote: "You’re looking good,” Terri said as sexy as she could.
Here, you are telling rather than showing. As sexy as she could is vague. If you were to describe what her sexy voice sounded like, a reader would be able to see it, hear it. As an example: "You're looking good," Terri said, her voice smoky, and as soft as the whisper of silk. Something along those lines.

Another example: You wrote: “No Noah?” He asked in a slightly brutal way. "No Noah?" He asked pointedly, as a smirk stretched his lips.
Showing rather than telling allows the reader to become invested in the story by applying their own life experiences to what they're reading. For example, As sexy as she could, might not mean much to the reader, no point of reference. But a smoky, soft voice might resonate with the reader as they imagine the sound of silk, letting them apply what they think a smoky, soft voice sounds like.



*CheckR*Favorite Lines:
It is sometimes difficult to inject a character's emotions into a story, but you did it well here:

I was driving as slowly as I could up the street to Phil’s. I needed time to think, not sure how I would react to seeing Terri again. My emotions were a strange combo of intimidation and pride. So much had happened since I last saw her, and I wondered how much she knew.

No matter how much had happened since their break up, I would expect that Michael would be unsure of how he would feel when he saw Terri. The way you 'showed' that is very well done. It's well written and allows the reader to contemplate the emotions they might feel under similar circumstances.

I like the way you introduce Marnie into the story. Having her open the door just before Michael knocks, almost as if she was waiting and watching for him. I liked that Michael did not recognize Marnie right off, making almost like two lovers were meeting for the first time. It shows the reader how much Marnie had changed, and it showed Michael's sudden interest. Your description of how she was dressed was perfect. You made her look like she was mature enough to be at a dinner party with a slightly older crowd. This is very well done.

Comparing two characters, as you done here, is great.
He remembered that kiss. It had been a surprise to him. He was so accustomed to dealing out his emotions in small portions as Terri always demanded so much. Here was this beauty professing her love to him. He felt warm and fuzzy.
You're showing the reader the two women who have affected Michael, not only in how they look but also in their attitudes. Good job with this.


*CheckR*Comments/Suggestions:

What I really liked:
The best revenge is to do well, and your story is full of that feeling. I found myself liking Michael more and more as he pushed his past feelings for Terri away and focused more and more on Marnie. I could feel Michael's feelings of sweet revenge.

I like the characters in the story. Michael is real, determined, smart enough to keep doing what he likes. Marnie is the picture of what a man would like; there's nothing like an aggressive woman to help mend a man's shattered ego. It's obvious that Marnie cares a lot about Michael. As much as I didn't like Terri, she is a good character, the opposite of Marnie. I think I would have liked more back story about the relationship Michael and Terri had, and more detail about how they broke up. Those facts would have made it easier to know Michael and Terri better, and would have given more substance to Michael's hurt.

I enjoy reading romance stories, and I enjoyed reading yours. Good characters, a loving ending, some good visuals along the way, and the wronged character having the kind of revenge most spurned lovers would love to have.

Good job.




~Thank you for sharing your writing with me, and good luck in the contest ~

Red Moving Bikerider




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