Hello, I'm Bikerider

I am pleased to offer this review on your "Invalid Item"  as a judge for the "A Romance Contest" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:

Your story fits the prompt well. I can see the couple struggling with being near each other at a party. Just like in the song, Last Christmas. Well done!

What I liked:

The opening of your story is good. It introduces two characters, one of them a main character, and gives the reader a glimpse of what the problem, or conflict, is.

I liked the way you showed Tom's emotions. He's upset to learn that Kerry is invited to the party and wants to leave. Later, he is nervous knowing the Kerry might show up and wondering what he'll say to her. And then when he sees her, all his old emotions come back to him. This is what I would expect from a man in his situation. You handled this very well.

Kerry's feelings, when she meets Tom in the kitchen are also realistic. She feels emotions that remind her of the times she and Tom spent together, remembers his scent, wants to be with him but doesn't expect him to feel that way after the way she hurt him. Her remorse. Even she didn't understand herself sometimes. This all comes across as very realistic. Emotions are sometimes hard to place in a story, but you did it well here.

I liked this sentence: Kerry sat in her car, gazing at Mandy's bungalow. More like a mansion. This shows the reader two things; that Mandy is affluent, and gives the reader a glimpse of a the location; a beautiful house. It also shows that Kerry is very nervous. Using one sentence to show two things to the reader is very good.


Punctuation/Spelling:

You wrote: Kerry sat in her car, gazing at Mandy's bungalow. More like a mansion. Her eyes shifted beside her where there were so many other cars sending a shiver up her spine.
As worded, it sounds like the cars sent a shiver up Kerry's spine, instead of the fact that there we so many being the reason for the shiver.

Rewritten: Kerry sat in her car gazing at Mandy's bungalow. More like a mansion. Her eyes shifted beside her to the many cars parked nearby, causing a shiver to run up her spine.


Comments/Suggestions:

I was a bit confused as I read:
Mandy had shaken her head. "You two! You really need to sort things out."

The grumbling of her hungry tummy brought her out of her thoughts. "Grandpa, I'm thinking I'll stay a bit more until New Year."

"You don't have to worry about me, Kerry. It was just pneumonia. I'm good now."

I read this twice before I realized a transition had taken place. Transitions are an excellent way to change character POV, time frame, or location, but it must be obvious to the reader that the transition has taken place. I suggest that you begin the scene with a bit of information about where Kerry is. Is she visiting her grandfather at the hospital, his sick bed at home? Or someplace else. A small bit of description at the beginning of the scene will give the reader an answer to those questions.

I also question the need for the scene with the grandfather. I didn't see a purpose for it. I think that leaving this out and replacing it with more memories of Kerry and Tom together in the past would give more depth to the relationship they had and more hope for the relationship to begin again.

I like the way your story is following the characters from earlier parts of this story. It's not easy to keep a story going, season after season, but you are doing a good job with this. This installment leaves the reader wondering if Kerry will be reunited with Tom. I like this.

I'd like to make the following suggestion:

Far into the story, while Kerry is again with her grandfather, she relives in her mind the time she and Tom kissed passionately. The thought seems to be misplaced in the story. I suggest you move this scene to an earlier part of the story, possibly to when Kerry is sitting in her car outside Mandy's house. Maybe you can use the feelings that the memory brings to Kerry as the force that makes her decide to go into the house and see Tom. Again, this is only a suggestion.


Conclusion:

I like this story, and I like the way you ended it to allow for its continuation. It is easy to recognize the conflict, the emotions, the things that tie your characters, Tom and Kerry, together.

I'm looking forward to reading the next installment. Good luck in the contest.




















My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .