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 Review #4080675 |
  "SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" Hello there, D.J. Patrick This is a Simply Positive Review!  I saw your item on the "Please Review," page. This was a very interesting case study on relationships and the question of fidelity.   I liked the Newbie kindergarten teacher, who had just completed her first year of school, and was bidding a farewell to the children as they head out the door and plan their summer vacation. Yes, I could picture little Tommy's face and his struggling to get on with school-free days, yet a bit sad at having to leave the room that had become a second home and sanctuary for him for nine months. I think Miss Jones was a wonderful teacher with a warm heart and perfectly placed in the kindergarten class. On the other hand, Tracy was more jaded and lost the enthusiasm of teaching. She was bored and irritated with her job. Thus, the two friends were polar opposites. You did a fine job establishing the characters, so the reader could understand them and visualize them.Observations:  I think the problem I had with the story, was that it seemed to be disjointed a little bit, the plot was misdirected. There was a lot of space used, with talk about school and particular students. Then, there was the dialogue between the women about school, the waiter and relationship possibilities. I can see a conversation about the joy of having the summer off and the need to unwind before preparing for the next school year. I can also imagine two ladies talking about love interests. I just can't seem to make fit into the scenario having so much description about a particular student, such as Tommy, when he was never going to be a major character in the story again. From his build-up, I fully expected him to be involved in this teacher's life again. Once Tommy hugged the teacher goodbye, the classroom should have been left behind and the story should have focused only on the two women's conversation which laid down the foundation for the ending. Continuing to bring-up Tommy, makes the reader think something was going to happen to him, thus he would be a furthering part of the story. But that was not the case, here. Therefore, this is one of those stories that needs a bit of tightening-up to be a clearer story with less "red herrings." It almost seemed as if this were two different ideas on a story, and rather than sticking to one them, which would be about the particular students and furthering that theme which shows that being a teacher doesn't stop because of summer break, it was split into a different plot, dealing with infidelity.  The ending, I expected -- the fact that they shared the same boyfriend, yet an unexpected twist with the text from "Kelly," brought it to a satisfying conclusion. It showed Miss Jones that she was no more important to him than was Tracy, and faced with the stark reality that friends shouldn't hook-up with other friend's boyfriends.Yes, the mutual boyfriend, lover of many women, evidently, was a complete loser. Good job in making the reader mistrust and despise him within a couple lines.   I suggest that you end the school year, and then continue the story, dropping the repeated use of characters that were never to appear in the story again; you could develop the bond between the two women as friends or associates, and then delve into their relationships and personal lives. This is where the kindergarten children do not belong, because the story moves into adult issues.  I had to change the rating on this story due to the mention of alcoholic beverages and the swearing.Your story has great potential as it delves into human relationships and affairs of the heart. Continue to polish it up a little and it will shine bright!  Until next time--write on! Regards, WebWitch  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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