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 Review #4081079 |
| Hi busywifepage2   Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  It's been pleasure to review yours "Invalid Item" on behalf of The Simply Positive Group. Please be reminded that my review is based on one person's opinion and you have all rights to choose if you like it or not. So please feel free to use if you find something interesting or just ignore if you don't like something. Why I chose to review your story?Hello there. While I walked through Read Newbies public list I spotted your story. To be honest, what dragged my attention was breaf description of your story. I can say that you caught me on first here. Great job, that's very important. First impression/Plot?Your short story is pretty much objective and, for now, contains almost everything that one reader needs to be caught in. Well done I have to admit. You even made me scared here. Thriller and horror stories about children scares me. Since you're talking mostly about one person here I've found it very interesting and wandering what, when and why? I realized that she is in some kind of institution or hospital, you said because she is an experiment for something still unknown to reader. You didn't bother too much about detailed description of surrounding, you focused more on description of feeling of fear when it comes about your main character. You mentioned that her name is not important as well. I found this story as very well introduction of something more bigger than 10 000 words and when I'm thinking about it I can not imagine main character who is nameless. Like this, for the beginning, looks fine, but later on, if you decide to continue with this, and I truly hope you will, I think many readers would love to know who is behind of that little girl. You didn't offer more description of characters who are there with her. I understood that they are some kind of nursers or persons of care and I imagined them like that, with regular, white uniforms like the one they have in every hospital. I appreciate your effort when you said how Miss.Ashley always brings cookies to your main character and how she always looks sad. I've got conclusion she is not enjoying in her job there which also led me to another thinking, Miss.Ashley will play important role in your story because I think of her as savior. I don't know about this, maybe it's just me. I loved the ending part. It had some kind of twisted turn on me when you said that this girl is locked behind the 13. locks door. Is she dangerous for herself or even for the rest of the world? Wouldn't mind to know this. My suggestions?Here I just noticed small thing, I wont say mistake. In your sentence at the beginning of the story:  I'm wearing my black dress with crimson roses on it and sitting in the dark. The roses, by the way, are crimson, So, why do I have to sit in the dark if I am afraid? If you read it again you may notice that you already mention that roses on your dress are crimson. This I noticed and in order for this story to be even more interesting I would like if there was more detailed description of the place where she is and people who are doing this to her. I hope you don't mind for this since I don't know what are your intentions about all of this. What I liked the most? I like Miss Ashley. She always makes me happy and she always brings me cookies. "Only the best," she says. They are really good. I think she makes them herself. I like them, but it's weird, when she brings me the cookies, she always looks so sad. She never tells me why, but every time she leaves, a little while after, I'll feel suicidal. I always used to think it was because she looked so sad all the time. I don't think so anymore, though. See, Miss Ashley was sick one time and Miss Mia brought me the same good cookies. They tasted just like Miss Ashley's cookies, and Miss Mia looked happy and excited. A little while after she left though, I felt suicidal again, so I don't believe its because of Miss Ashley.I loved how you described how one person's feeling making impact on another (in this case little girl and Miss.Ashley). However, I loved little twist you put and made me more interesting when you said that maybe her suicidal thoughts are not coming because of Miss.Ashley's sad face. I was thinking, if she had them maybe they came because Mr.Morris put something in those cookies. Some drug, pills, anything. Great job. Final thought?I usually in my review point things that I didn't like as well but in your story I have nothing special to say in this field. I already said that I would love to see detailed description of surrounding and characters, your story is well written overall and my only suggestion would be to continue with it. I'm seriously so curious what will happen and I would love if this can be some short novella just because it's great reading that I found recently. My rating of four stars is just because everything I said above but be assured that I'm amazed by only idea of your story. Thank you for sharing it with us and welcome to WdC one more time. I hope you will find your place here. ~Minja~   "SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" check out my contest "Invalid Item"  Be courageous and try to write in a way that scares you a little ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 01/28/2015 @ 9:23pm EST