Hi! I'm judging "Invalid Item"  for Round 66 and thought I should give everyone some feedback on their epistles!

Some things I Like:

So we meet again, Candy! It feels like I never get to review my newbies once they are no longer newbies.

I just wanted to give you a quick review here. There are lots of nice moments in this piece, as should be expected for a poem so long. You'd really be in trouble if there was nothing cool going on, right?

The piece definitely fits the form for the contest, which is good. The flow is nice, and the poem progresses nicely.

Observations & Suggestions:

This is a very conversational sort of poem, which is to be expected. I think that there is a whole lot of room to tighten up your phrasing though. It reads like a solid rough draft, but it doesn't feel like a revised, finished piece of work right now. Not a problem at all! You have all the time in the world for that. An example:

"I was not certain what was going on with you.
Have you been in an accident?
Have you been seriously ill?"

So... these are decent points to make in the piece. They make perfect sense in context. But... do they sound like poetry? To my ear, not at all. You could be chatting on the phone and say the lines verbatim. Conversational is good, but word choice is word choice. Be deliberate.

"Have you been... Have you been" Those three words are boring, though functional. Is there some way to combine these questions so that they flow nicely without the added bulk?

The second two lines have a few strong words: accident, ill. The first line is the longest and doesn't have any strong words. A 10 word line without a real powerful/strong/emotive word is a line wasted in my book.

And this is basically what I'm talking about for the entire poem. I would consider rereading it with a critical eye, evaluating my word choice and looking to make the language more engaging. Right now, it is a nice narrative. It could be stunning with some revision. Just my two cents, for whatever it's worth. Good luck in the contest, love! It is going to be a hard one to judge I think!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .