Hi, I'm Bikerider and I'm reviewing your story: "Hospital Visit"  for the Newbies ONLY Short Story and Poem Contest. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Character(s):
Daniel is really the only character in this story. For all his nervousness, I liked him. He seems so unsure of himself, insecure in his actions, worried that he won't make the grade or measure up. All of this made Daniel seem real, authentic. You don't give any physical description of the character, but in this story none is needed, as it is Daniel's personality that caught my attention. He could be any age and he would still be feeling all the insecurities portrayed here.

We see what we need to see by your use of inner dialogue. Well done.

Dialogue:

Dialogue is a way to give your reader information that will move the story forward. However, there are specific rules for using dialogue in a story. Each speaker is given his or her own paragraph/sentence. ie.
You wrote:
This time when he reached her door, he revealed no hesitation. Swinging the door open, he started to speak straight away. “All I have to say is… who are you?” In front of him, propped comfortably on a hospital bed, an elderly man grinned at him. “They moved her up to the second floor.” Daniel smiled, already racing to the elevator.

Using proper format:
This time when he reached her door, he revealed no hesitation. Swinging the door open he started to speak straight away. "All I have to say is... who are you?" In front of him, propped comfortably on a hospital bed, an elderly man grinned at him.
"They moved her up to the second floor."
Daniel smiled, already racing for the elevator.


Plot and Conflict:
There is lots of conflict here, even though most of it is Daniel's stress and insecurity.

Description:
The locations used in this story, the cafeteria and hospital room are not much described, but for this story no more description is needed. Daniel mostly passes through the cafeteria, and spends little time in the hospital room, so no description of those locations is really needed. It was easy to see Daniel moving through the locations by using his thoughts.

Final Thoughts:
I like the way you used internal dialogue to give the reader a good look at the character. You 'showed' the reader that Daniel is somewhat hyper in his thinking, and very nervous as well. Showing instead of telling is an important aspect of writing, showing being much preferred to telling. You did this very well.

This short scene flows well and you capture the essence of a man who's insecurities are on display, and you do it with humor. Good job.

Bikerider



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .