Hi, I'm Bikerider , a judge for

"Invalid Item" 

I have read your entry, "Invalid Item"  and I offer this review for your consideration. I hope you find my comments helpful.

I think there is a lot going on in this story, and I think that if you spent some time detailing the characters and their actions you can put a really good story together. A man leaves work with the intention of asking his girlfriend to marry him, but along the way he meets another woman that he is drawn to, a woman who apparently is drawn to him as well. By the end of the evening, George has walked away from his girlfriend and is in search of the woman who left him a note, the woman from the dry cleaning store. That's a lot of action, a lot of character movement, and a lot of emotion to show.



Character:

George; I wondered why we don't learn his name until he's ordering ice cream from Enrique. Knowing something about a character is one way for a reader to become invested in a story. If you don't know George, can't see him in the story, why would a reader care which girl George ends up with? George seems confused, and it seems strange that he went from buying an engagement ring and planning to ask his girlfriend to marry him, then walking out on her because she was on the phone when he got back to the table. That's a huge change of mind simply because she was on the phone.

The fiancé: who is she? You don't tell the reader her name. What does she look like? Is she younger? Older? Fat? There is no information about her in the story.

You give a description of the woman in the dry cleaning store, but we learn nothing more about her.

Characters are important to a story. Without characters what kind of story would we have? Developing characters is what lets the reader see them, and hopefully care about them. If we care which girl George ends up with, it's only because we know George.

Dialogue:

The dialogue is confused in several places, here are a couple of examples:

You wrote: She looked over to him, “you can drink a coke occasionally.”
“I don't want to get fat,” he said. You work out all the time, you'll be fine.” “I'm good,” he said with a grin, knowing that would set her off. The waitress came back with cold refreshments and requested the night's food order. She wanted pasta with fried chicken on top.
“He'll take a steak with a baked potato and your seasonal vegetables.” The waitress looked at him waiting for an approving nod.
She said, "is that all?" He sat there mulling over what had transpired. A smile cracked on his face.
"That's it for her order." "I'll have the wood smoked salmon, with lemon, rice, and your vegetables. Could I get that sated instead of cooked in butter and garlic?"

"I don't want to get fat," he said. You work .... There should be open quotation marks before there. "I'm good," he said with a grin should be another sentence. Each speaker gets his/her own sentence.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:

There are a number of punctuation problems in this story. Missing commas, improperly used quotation marks, and a few grammar errors. A thorough edit will identify these errors.

Comments:

Some things to consider:

You wrote: Running down the two flights of stairs, he worried about his special night, and went outside to his truck. His truck reversed into the road, and went into the middle of town. I understand what you're saying here, but as written it sounds as though the truck reversed and drove itself into town without a driver.

At the restaurant it was a waiter who took the couple's drink order, but you have a waitress bringing the drinks.


This seems to me to be the beginning of a much longer story. George seems like the kind of character a reader would like if the reader was able to get a good look at him. And remember, the reader can only 'see' what you show him. The locations are good; a modern office building, a dry cleaning store, a nice restaurant. There is lots of conflict; the obvious interest in the woman at the dry cleaning store, the problem George has with his girlfriend, and ending the night by ending his relationship. This is all good and can make for a really good story. You obviously have the desire to write, so I suggest you pull all the elements of the story into a good outline and write this the way you know you can. I'll look forward to reading it.

Bikerider







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .