Hi, I'm Bikerider , a judge for

"Invalid Item" 

I have read your entry, "Ceri "  and I offer this review for your consideration. I hope you find my comments helpful.

I'm glad you entered the contest. It is not always easy for writers to put their work out there for others to read and critique, but I'm glad you did.


Character:

Ceri is the main character, but you don't give us much description of her so that we can 'see' her. Old, young, alone? What is she, and who is she? Your main character, Ceri, is important to the story so show her to your reader. Keep her realistic so your reader can identify with her, and then shower her with whatever characteristics she needs in order for her to live in the story. Keep her real, but let the story flow around her without limitations. Towers that soar above the clouds, mysterious ladies who rule the world, hobgoblins and other strange beings who inhabit that world...that is what your readers want, so pick up your pen and give it to them.

Dialogue:

There is not much dialogue used in this piece, but where dialogue is used it is used well. Dialogue holds two important purposes in a story. 1. To give the reader some important information in an interesting way, and 2, to move the story forward. You have done that here. Good job.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:

While a thorough edit will show some improper usage of commas, there was no grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors that detracted from the story.

Comments:

While this is a long, short story, it seems to me more like the very beginnings of something much larger. There are so many places that you mentioned only briefly that should have been given much more time in the story. Here is an example:

The Mistress of Puppets has a serpent trinket she won in a game of chance. Who is this mistress? What does she look like? What powers does she have? What is so important about the serpent trinket? There is so much you can add to your story by giving detail to these questions.

She learned to speak and befriend the other changelings and hobgoblins, as a way to ease the finding of the items. It was a useful skill, and something that kept her spirits up. As a reader, I'd like to know more about the changelings and hobgoblins. What are they? Who are they? What do they do in the story that makes them important? And what about those 'useful skills?' What are they? How were they learned, and how are they used?

One more thing: I suggest you use 1.5 spacing between sentences, and double space between paragraphs. Also, a font size larger than the default size would be good. I usually use 3.5 font size, which looks like this.

These are all details that will ignite your story, bring it life, realism, and heat. As a reader I don't want too many unanswered questions when I've completed reading a story. I suggest you plump up this story, pay no attention to word count limitations, just write the story you feel. Give it life. Show the hobgoblins, tell the reader what those special powers are, and let the reader know why certain items are chosen for Ceri to bring back. There is so much more story here, all you need to do it write it.

Write this story, and do it the way you know you can. Don't limit yourself to a word count, instead, pick up your pen and let your imagination flow through it onto the paper. When you're finished you will have the story you want to write, and the story others will want to read. Don't stop here.

Bikerider





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .