Hi, I'm Bikerider , a judge for

"Invalid Item" 

I have read your entry, "Invalid Item"  and I offer this review for your consideration. I hope you find my comments helpful.

It is not always easy for writers to put their work out for others to read and critique, but I'm glad you did.

Story:

This story is much different from what I usually read, but I found it to be interesting and enjoyable. The story flows well, the action was smooth, and the dialogue is easy to follow. There are a lot of contrasts here: the half spirit people, modern day people time traveling, two-headed dragons and an adopted human child. But there are text books and cups of noodles, and talk of islands and places that didn't have names during feudal times. Very interesting, diverse, and creative writing.

Character:

You give a lot of character information as a writer's note before you begin the story, giving the reader some background information about the characters. This is an unusual story for people who are not fanfiction readers, so that is a good idea, but it would help to drop in a few details about the characters as the story moves forward. While the writer's note is not necessarily a character or information dump, it can still have the same effect. You're giving the reader a lot of information they need to keep in mind while they read, but I think you'd prefer to have the reader concentrate on reading the story.

The characters here are good, and I especially like the way you give them movement as they speak, which gave them life and made them realistic. Very good job with your characterization.


Dialogue:

Dialogue is supposed to do two things. 1. Move the story forward. 2. Give the reader some important information in an interesting way. You have accomplished that well here. This dialogue is also used to show the place and time of the story and the ethnicity of the characters, which is not an easy task, but you did it well.

Good job!


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:

I saw no errors that detract from the story.


Comments:

Fanfiction is not a genre I usually read or am familiar with, but I found this story to be interesting, and I didn't lose interest while reading it from beginning to end. You show a unique style here that I liked; contrasting the old with the new. Half spirit people eating cup of noodles is unique and an interesting visual. But for me, this seemed like less than a full story and more like part of a larger one. I can see where this can lead to the hunt for the necklace, the return of the text book and all the activity associated with it.

You did a very good job with this. The dialogue is good, the characterization well done, and the descriptions vivid.

Bikerider







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .