Greetings, goldenautumn! Thank you for bidding on my Children's Package A in "Genre Auction and Fundraiser" .

I'm back at last for your Chapter 2 review. Again, I enjoyed your story. Your writing portrays you are very familiar with this genre.

Please do not be disturbed by the list of suggestions below. Look at them as adjustments. And as always, discard what you do not agree with because this is your story.

In Paragraph 16, She sobbed and wept, while tears fell on her cotton blue checkered dress and dropped in the dirt. I would bet that tears would soak into cotton before they made it to the dirt.

In Paragraph 18, In despair, she flopped into the dirt,-- Should it be onto the dirt instead of into?

In Paragraph 21, An inner voice screamed. "Take a shoot from the flower, before it is too late." You might consider adding an exclamation point at the end of the dialogue since the inner voice is screaming. I won't keep repeating this suggestion, but be sure to read through this chapter again, as there are other places that should include an exclamation point where a person cries out or yells, or whatever else is suggesting the dialogue is spoken louder than normal.

In Paragraph 22, Blood flowed and dripped onto the ground, her blue-checkered dress, and the blossom. Is this the order you want? It could be, after reading it a few times over, as the blood is dripping from her fingers. It just struck me as out of order as it hit the ground first. Something to think about, anyway.

In Paragraph 32, His voice was shaky, "If you have anymore dreams, I want to know." Consider replacing the first comma with a period, as His voice was shaky isn't a dialogue tag, unless you want to add as he said to it.

In Paragraph 37, there is quite a lot of telling of the description. There may even be too much description here, especially of each individual dog. There are also places that need commas, wherever there is pause.

In Paragraph 38, said Lady Charlotte giving the animals a dirty look. For some reason, I feel the phrase dirty look might be a more modern term than back then. However, I could be wrong. It just felt out-of-place. Perhaps "a look of disgust" or "a disgusted look" or "a look of disapproval" or "a disapproving look" or something similar.

In Paragraph 40, She pet them all with a wide smile. The queen sat down at her vanity and grinned. I know she didn't pet them with her smile. Perhaps you could reword this. She pet them all lovingly, then sat down at her vanity and grinned. Or something like that...

In Paragraph 41, Misty perched next to her hairbrush, looking at himself in the mirror. His face tilted to the side as he whacked his reflection in the glass. I forgot who Misty was at this point. Because he is perching, I thought he was a bird. But in the following paragraph, you mention his paws. Perhaps a reminder of what sort of animal he is would be helpful for readers like me who forget small details easily, lol.

In Paragraph 42, She a brushed Catherine's hair until it shone. Delete "a" and I'm sure it was just a typo. However, reading through this paragraph, you may want to rework it. It didn't seem to flow along as well as most of your writing does. One example is walked to the throne room with a couple of dogs at her heels.

You have a few longer paragraphs in this area, mostly of descriptions. You might consider breaking these up into smaller paragraphs, or perhaps eliminating some of the description, if possible.

In Paragraph 48, said his man Wimbry. I'm not sure what this means, "his man" though I do know you should add a comma after man.

In Paragraph 63, His mind entered her's. Possessive pronouns do not need apostrophes. His mind entered hers. See http://www.grammar.cl/Notes/Possessive_Pronouns.htm

In Paragraph 65, Braxton's anger sprang from him, piercing around the throne like daggers. This seems awkward to me, though I understand what you're trying to say here.

For some reason, the first and last part of this chapter flowed along nicely. The middle, however, seemed more forced with descriptions and not quite as smooth.

I am still very much interested in what is happening and what is going to happen! Again, like I stated in you first chapter, you have the gift of storytelling. You've kept my attention up to this point. My suggestions, though perhaps they look many, are only minor adjustments. You've got a great storyline going here and I am not bored in the least!

Favorite lines...

With a whimper, she reluctantly obeyed, feeling his arms reeling her in. Silent tears rained down her face and onto his night shirt. Feeling the beating of his heart, Catherine quieted. His closeness and warmth soothed and comforted her. Exhaling a breath, her head rested against his chest as she tried to calm her racing pulse. His gentleness reassured her.

Have a great day and...
K e e p on W r i t i n g !

Cubby ")


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .