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 Review #4097156 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (3.5)| Hi S Ferguson~ Prepping for Prep  . I'm JACE - House Targaryen , and once again I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Invalid Item" . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. So, I am fortunate enough to get to review your offering for our writing contest. Perhaps that is not a good thing--you might rather have another set of eyes looking at your work.  Still, this is the luck of the draw.Actually, I was glad to have this opportunity. I have a very good friend is is much like your character, Denisa. She continually seeks out the wrong guys, despite knowing inside they aren't her best choice. I really felt sorry for Deni. Finding out that she has something good in her life too late is a very sad thing. And yet I'm sure this happens often enough in real life. In that sense, your reader can relate. Again, I feel reading your story out loud--each and every word--will help identify any rough wording. Any time I have to re-read a sentence or paragraph to understand what you're trying to say, it throws me out of the story. I cite a couple of examples below.  Technical Presentation. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. My biggest beef is with your wording of several of your sentences. I find them hard to read when certain pronouns are omitted. For example:Her fear of liking him and then him turning into the complete and utter asshole most men seem to become when they got comfortable, was just a restless idea in her head she couldn't shake. Her fear of liking him and then having him turn into the complete and utter asshole that most men seem to become when they get comfortable was somthing she couldn't shake. Her friends had tired to convince her to go out with him years ago but after her toxic relationship with Terry was wasn't ready for any kind of commitment. Her friends had tried to convince her to go out with him years ago, but after her toxic relationship with Terry she was wasn't ready for any kind of commitment. This needs to be two separate sentences. Deni couldn't believe he was still after her, that's why three years after graduation when he had looked her up and called her she had no more reasons not to go. Deni couldn't believe he was still interested in her. Thus, when he called her three years after graduation, she had no more reasons not to go out. My Rating. 3.5 . Thank you for posting this offering.  Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 03/23/2015 @ 9:50am EDT