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 Review #4100901 |
 | Invalid Item  [] |
| (4.0)| Hi S Ferguson~ Prepping for Prep  . I'm JACE , and I have the honor of reading and reviewing your offering "Invalid Item" . I invite your attention to the comments below. Please bear in mind these notes are from one on the outside looking in; ultimately only you can decide what's right for your story.  Overall Impression. I enjoyed your story, Miss Stephanie. Your heroine is a girl who wants more out of life and fancies her desires will be met a la Pretty Woman.The chemistry (and your description of the liaison) between Megan and Leon is very good. I like the steamy action between them. She's looking for a way to move from one mark to the next. I can easily see him wanting more out of the arrangement than she. Early in the story you tell us Leon is Megan's first; later you tell us "She was a professional." Reconcile, please? I noticed from your post, this story was submitted to "The Weekly Quickie Contest" . You forgot to add the word count, which, I believe, is a requirement.  Technical Presentation. In this section I list those areas that relate specifically to the mechanics of your writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc. You have a couple sentences that I had to read several times in order to understand what you were trying to say. i can't say that I succeeded. For example... It was a taste of a life she would have fleeting thoughts of throughout her days as a young woman. Might this be better broken into two sentences? It was a good rule to live by, no attachments to tie her down to make her imagine the life she had. The life with a man she had to answer to, to check in with. I think I know what you're trying to say, but it could be clearer with shorter, more complete sentences. She laid there, taught with anticipation. taught should be taut. My Rating. 4.0 . Thank you for posting this offering.  Please accept these comments as offered in friendship and support. They are but my humble opinion.Reviewed by JACE   My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 04/06/2015 @ 8:24am EDT