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Review #4102393
Viewing a review of:
 Molly's Revenge!  [13+]
Molly's family changed really fast, but she has an idea to make it better again.
by Mindy
Review of Molly's Revenge!  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Hello Mindy . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you have any questions or need help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Sun* *Peace2*


*Tulipr**Poseyr*General Impressions*Poseyr**Tulipr*
It was difficult to determine the direction this story was trying to take. At first, it seemed as if it was going to have a young adult/coming-of-age theme to it. After we find out that Molly is a ghost, it seems to go into another direction where she is purposefully trying to scare her family. It's never really stated why Molly feels the need to do this or what her family did to deserve Molly's revenge. Is it because her siblings date and she doesn't? I'm not sure. If so, why would she want to scare her parents as well? It was especially strange that she would try to suffocate the cat immediately after her parents walked in on her murdered. Seems kind of cruel! *Laugh*

*Tulipb**Poseyb*What Worked*Poseyb**Tulipb*
You had some moments of strong imagery and voice in this story. I really liked the last sentence of the first paragraph, Everything changed ever since I became a ghost... I thought that proved to be a good hook and it made me want to keep reading and see what happened to Molly and why she's a ghost now.

The imagery of the parents walking in to find the cat playing in their daughter's blood was creepy and it gave off that thriller/suspense vibe that I think you were going for based on the genre tags you used.

*Tulipp**Poseyp*Suggestions*Poseyp**Tulipp*
I think the biggest issue here is a lack of direction/focus. The beginning seems as though it's going to be an overview of the situation, but then it becomes very specific down to one scene from the overall story. The ending didn't feel like a true conclusion to the story with the dad just walking up the stairs. It was underwhelming. What happens next?

The verb tense also changes a lot during the story and it's a bit distracting. Here is an example:

I stopped talking so they can process what's going on.

Stopped is past tense and can process is present tense. I would suggest going through and making all of the verb tenses agree throughout the story.

*Tulipv**Poseyv*Summary*Poseyv**Tulipv*
Overall, I think it's an interesting idea to have the black sheep in the family be an actual ghost. I see many places you could go with this story line, but you may need to plot out what is going to happen a little bit more during the revision process. Try to think of how you want the story to end. What is the climax going to be? Other than that, I think a rewrite would be fun on this one. Thanks again for sharing with us. *Smile*


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/12/2015 @ 11:33am EDT
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