I've read the story twice, and both times I found myself engrossed in the story. Some work is necessary to clarify some of the story's components, but you have a great idea here. Delving is a unique part of what I found good about the story, and I can see how people will find delving intriguing.

Overall, this is a good story, a great premise, and I can see the makings of some very interesting conflicts, and conflicts go a long way in making a story interesting.
Here are my comments. I have tried to be as honest as possible.


Characters: You don't provide the reader with much character description. One has green eyes, and we're not sure which one. They are both about 19 years old. Other than that, the reader knows nothing about what the characters look like. Are they tall? Muscular? Are they strong? What about Jane's armor? What does the armor she's wearing look like?

You have given Jane some character development. A character should change during the story, something should happen to make the character realize that they want to change. But there must be a catalyst for that change. The catalyst has to be a life-changing event, otherwise the event wouldn't be enough to change the character. In this story, you have changed Jane. She is a fighting machine with very little personal thought. But when she delves into Artie's mind she sees things that confuse her about her way of life. Family? Holidays? Love? That is what makes Jane question her life, and then change it. This is very well done here. Now, all you need to do is give the reader enough description so that the reader can see your characters.


Dialogue: There are two purposes of dialogue. One is to move the story forward. The other is to present new information to the reader in an interesting way. The dialogue used in this story fulfills both of those functions. It is appropriate to the story and clearly helps the reader to see and understand what the characters are doing and what they are thinking.

Good job with the dialogue.

Things to Consider

I use this analogy for writing. You, as the writer, are a camera. Instead of a camera lens to capture something, you use words instead. In the film, the viewer sees only what the camera shows them; nothing else. The viewer can't make things up, they can only go by the information they see on the screen. For writing, your pen/words/sentence structure/character description/location description, is the lens. And just like a with a lens, the reader only knows what you've shown him by use of your words. A reader can't see what you meant to write, he can only see what you have written. I hope this is clear enough for you to see the point I'm trying to make.


1. This is your second sentence: The higher ups would review the data later, and it was not for her to question. Time slowed as she stared, the eyes were green with flecks of brown in them. While it is good to pepper your writing with character description rather than plunk it all down at once, this description, the eyes were green, seems to come from nowhere; it seems misplace to me. Also, whose eyes are green? The killer or the person to be killed? As written, this is unclear.
While I'm on the topic of character description, here is a place where you did a good job with physical description.
Jane delved, looked into his mind. With her mental strength would take less than a second to see what she wanted to know. Past the eyes into the man himself. Boy himself, she corrected, as she peeled back the layers. He really wasn't old at all, only 19. At least not much older than she was. Using one character, the boy in this case, to give the reader information about another character is a good way to be concise, and it works very well here. Good job with that.


2. This is very important. The presentation of a story is somewhat like the presentation of a fine meal. Care should be taken to use proper formatting, otherwise a reader might look at the writing as less than professional. You have place too much space between sentences, which gives your presentation problems from the start. It looks like you have it set for a double space, then you're hitting the return key twice, which makes the spacing X4. A single space between sentences, (double space for most publishing submissions) and double space between paragraphs is commonly considered proper. Also, consider using a larger font size. I use font size 3.5 (this sentence is font size 3.5)for most of my writing here on WDC.

3. You wrote: All around her people were dying and it was her job to do the killing. Yet she found herself unable to move. As written, a reader would think that only she was supposed to do the killing, but others were doing it instead. Try this: All around her, people were dying. It was everyone's job to kill, but for some reason she couldn't move.

4. Another confusing sentence. "Jane? Are you all right? Did he get a shot in?" She called out to her drawing her own sidearm from her hip and pointing it towards Artie. Who is asking Jane if she's all right? Who is drawing a sidearm. Sometimes it is important to use attribution for dialogue:
"Jane, are you all right?" the handler called as she drew her own sidearm from her hip and ...

5. The handler was dead but that meant that someone was on their way to check out the situation as handlers don't normally just die on the battlefield,... Okay, if it takes an atomic bomb to kill a handler, how did the handler die in this scene?

6. Artie opened a door and went inside. A brief sound came from within and he called to her to follow. What sound? Human? A scraping door? Footsteps? Remember the camera. A reader doesn't know what/who made the sound, or what the sound was. Just saying 'a sound' is so vague that a reader won't be able to connect with what they are reading.

7. The man stuck his hand out towards her, Jane jumped back and looked at it, and up at him. Everyone tensed up again but no one drew a gun at her. As written, Jane looked up at the man at the same time she was looking at the hand. Try this: Jane jumped back and looked at it, and then her eyes moved slowly up to his face.

8. "It was just a stray thought." Dawn had explained to young Jane at the time. "There's no such thing as Christmas. Only killed and be killed, fight or die. Do you understand?" Okay, you've dropped in a new character without any explanation. Who is Dawn, where did she come from. I can assume she is the trainer who had been thinking of Christmas, but most readers don't want to have to assume anything while they read. They only know what they've read, (which is your camera), and they don't know anything about Dawn. If a character is only in a scene for a short time, as Dawn is here, you don't need to give the reader very much information about them. Simply saying, Dawn, the trainer who's thoughts had been on an upcoming holiday... That keeps the reader in the story without much fuss over who or what the new, brief, character is.

9. She knew it might make them not trust her but the range of expression was varied and wide, not what she was used to at all. And she was curious. Using concise words to put an idea or vision in your readers mind is very important. Excessive wording slows down the action and can bore the reader. Try this: She knew it might make them distrust her, but the range... Using make them not trust her is passive voice, something that should be avoided as much as possible.

10. "But I am supposed to die in the service of my country. It is drilled into our heads at all the time. What's brainwashing?" Where did the question, What's brainwashing? come from? There has been nothing said previously about brainwashing so why would Jane ask that? Maybe if you preface the question with Jane remembering someone telling her that brainwashing was part of her training, something like that, it would give the question relevance at this point in the story.

11. "Jane may I speak with you about something." He looked and sounded nervous and Jane held back in listening to his mind in respect to Artie because this man was his father, whatever a father was. Artie clearly had strong feelings for him, not to mention respect. Since Jane held back from delving into Darryl's mind, how does she know he's Artie's father? Daryyl had just entered the story so remember that camera lens, how does the reader know, and how does Jane know, that Daryyl is Artie's father?


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:There are quite a few punctuation errors in this piece, mostly because of omitting necessary commas, or using a comma where none is needed. A thorough, careful, edit will eliminate these problems.


Comments: The opening sentence/paragraph of a story is called the 'hook.' It's where you 'hook' your reader, grab his attention and make him want to read further. Your opening sentence is great. The reader is left wondering if Jane will kill the other character, and the reader wonders why there is a pending killing. The only way to find out is to read on; exactly what you want your reader to do.

I suggest you make an effort to write in some location description. From what I read, it appears that this scene takes place in the future, but again, you've left me to assume that. Remember the camera lens? If you don't tell me, then I don't know.

This is an example of good description: Artie looked at her for a second, trust battling wariness. Finally he shrugged and took the lead. This is excellent description, it is easy to see Artie's confusion.

Letting your reader 'see' the location, the characters, and the action, is what keeps a reader reading. This is an interesting start to what I think will be a much longer story, and if it is then this is where you want to grab your reader. You do that by letting the reader feel like he is right there on that battlefield, and when he looks up he knows it Jane standing there because you have allowed him to see Jane through your description of her. Again, your pen and your words are the camera, show your reader everything he needs to know so that he or she can become invested in the story. You've probably seen a movie that had you so engrossed that you actually felt like you were there, like you were seeing the characters rather than the people playing those parts. That is what you need to accomplish with your writing, and the way you do that is by description.

There are things about your story that I thought are very well done. Taking the reader into the future is very interesting, and right now there is a large audience for that kind of story. I like the concept of your character delving into another person's mind and learning about them. That's an excellent story line and I suggest you pursue that in more detail in the story. (Tell the reader a little about how it's done, what is the experience like for the person doing the delving and what it's like for the person being delved. This is very good and should be more of the story focus. Your reader will be very interested in delving, so give him/her more information. I can see this as an important part of the story.

If you tighten up this scene, it will go a long way in capturing your reader so that he'll want to read on. And from what I see here, the story is worth the effort.

Keep at it, you have a very good premise here, and the making of a good story.

I hope my review helps. Keep writing!

Bikerider

~~Thank you for sharing your story.~~

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .