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Review #4102847
Viewing a review of:
 Mary  [13+]
Chapter 2 of my novel
by VMac
Review of Mary  
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


I am reviewing "Mary"  at your request. I hope you find my comments helpful.

I read this scene three times, and each time was as interesting as the prior. This is well written and allowed me to feel like I was in the scene. It's short, but precise. I didn't see very many unnecessary words. I can see how this will fit into a longer story. Good job.


Characters:The names of characters can be completely random, but it is useful to keep from using similar sounding names, such as a character named Todd and another named Tom. So your choice of character names is good. Mary and Scourge don't sound anything alike. So I'm guessing that since Scourge is a drug dealer you are going for a name that sounds like a bad seed. He is a scourge, and his name is Scourge. Good choice of names, but consider that it may be too obvious, like calling a murderer Kellim. But I like the name you have given the drug dealer, it seems to fit the piece nicely.

Scourge: I could only see Scourge through his dialogue. If possible, or if not already done previously, I would give the reader a bit of description of him.

Mary: The visual of Mary is what I would expect from a strung out drug user in need of a fix.

Dialogue: The dialogue is good. It's appropriate to the story and the type of characters.

I thought this dialogue was especially well done.

Ignoring the fact he didn’t have any, he said, “You got money?”

“No.”

“Then, no.”

“I can pay you tomorrow.”

“Then you can have some tomorrow.’

“But I need it now,” she was starting to whine. “I am spending Christmas alone because I am too ashamed to see my family this way. Please, I have been a good customer for so long,”

“Then get to a street corner.” Tears filled her eyes.

This dialogue sounds authentic, and gives Scourge the attitude someone would expect from a drug dealer. You've used dialogue to show the reader how cold and brutal Scourge can be.

Things to consider:

1. Your opening sentences are very well done, but I wondered how Scourge knew it was Mary before he even opened the door. Maybe you could add that he looked through the peep hole in the door, or he saw her through a window either in the door or somewhere else. His inner dialogue when he knew it was Mary is well done. You did a great job showing his disappointment that it was Mary.

2. You wrote: "He swung the door open wide and thrust himself to the edge of the doorway. The word thrust caught my attention, and I wondered if another word would better suit the scene. Thrust denotes something more aggressive than standing, moving, stepping, or positioning himself. It's not an error, but if the word made me stop to think about it, others probably would too.

3. You wrote: The shaky woman at the door ignored his question. The reader already knows the person at the door is Mary, so saying the shaky woman makes it sound like it's someone other than Mary. If you want to show that Mary was shaky, I would say it another way. Perhaps: Mary stared at him, blankly ignoring his question her body shaking.

4. “Okay,” she said, realizing that any repeated requests were pointless. “But make sure you call me first thing after you get it.” Up to this point in the story, it has been Scourge's POV. But here you switch to Mary's POV. If she realized that repeated requests were pointless, then you're showing her inner thoughts. And if it's Scourge's POV, then he would know she realized anything. Maybe Mary knows from prior dealings that repeated requests were fruitless, or something like that, but you can't show her personal thoughts if it's not her POV.

Things I especially liked: I liked the way you described Mary, especially; "She had apparently also ignored the mirror while she was getting dressed. Then you go on to describe her. This is very well done. The first part lets the reader know that Mary's appearance is messy, but then a list of things follow that shows the reader just how messy. Good job with this. But I was a bit confused by "Key" sections of her once pretty tresses... I'm not sure what "key" sections would be. Just saying that tendrils of curls hung limply around her haggard face would give the reader all they need to be able to see how unkempt her hair was. Again, using the word key is not incorrect, but since there is another way to say the same thing without causing any confusion, I would reconsider using the word key.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: I saw no punctuation, spelling, or grammar errors that detracted from the story.


Comments: In your opening sentence, it is obvious that Scourge is waiting for a 'spirit.' However, you don't mention a spirit anywhere else in the story and you provide no information about this spirit. If that is intentional for some reason such as keeping the reader in suspense for the time being, that's fine, but you can't let that question linger for too long otherwise the reader will feel cheated, like something he should know is not being provided.

You mention the incident with his cell phone but provide no further information. This is toward the end of the scene and is most likely being used to make the reader carry a question into the next chapter. But I suggest you give the reader the information about the cell phone in the next chapter. You have left two thoughts dangling. The one in the beginning has had time to work in the reader's mind so I wouldn't wait too long to explain about the spirit. Same for the cell phone incident. A reader will want to know what's going on before they get too involved in the story.

Overall, I thought this scene is very well done. A little more description of Scourge would be good, and maybe a glimpse into his apartment/house/trailer, or whatever would also give the story some depth. But I wouldn't change the main story line, it's good as is.

Good job.


~~Thank you for sharing your story.~~



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