Hi, I'm Bikerider , a judge for "Invalid Item" I have read your entry, "Invalid Item"  and I offer this review for your consideration. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Character: The only character we get to see is Bulshae, and to a much lesser extent, Mr. Ryhorn. In order for a reader to be interested in a character, in order to care what happens to that character, the reader must know something about that character, otherwise that character remains a stranger. Think of all the people you see in one day. The vast majority of them are probably strangers, and while you hope everyone lives a good life, you don't get involved in the stranger's lives because you don't know them. It is much the same with a fictional character. I would have liked to know more about Bulshae. Her age, what does she look like, what does she aspire to? What are her wants, needs, and desires?

Dialogue: The dialogue used here is appropriate to the story.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: I saw numerous punctuation errors, but a thorough edit will review the several places where a comma should have been used but was not. Grammar, punctuation, and spelling are as important to a story as characters or dialogue. If a reader see's too many errors they will pass on reading a story.

Comments: I have to admit that I was confused by the premise of the story. Bulshae finds that she fell in love with a class mate. She can verbalize the exact moment when this happened. She spends the weekend, and a session with a psychologist, in an attempt to stop the feelings of love. And she is told to listen to the national anthem and that stops those feelings of love.

I'm confused as to why Bulshae wants to stop those feelings. Why does she not want to be in love? There must be some reason. The contest allows for 2,500 words, and you've only used 946 of that. There was lots of room to describe your characters, tell you reader something about them, and inform the reader as to why Bulshae is rejecting love. Love is filled with emotion, and the only emotion I saw here was her desire to rid herself of being in love.

Romance is one of my favorite genres, so I can appreciate that this story is a different take on the usual romance. I like the premise that a young woman does not want to be in love, a new look at an old genre can be refreshing. Go back into the story, answer some of the unanswered questions, show the reader your characters and the location of the story. Show your reader why Bulshae does not want to be in love.

You have the makings of an excellent story here, keep at it.







My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .