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Review #4103942
Viewing a review of:
A DIRTY T-SHIRT IN CHURCH  [E]
A landscaper is compelled to attend mass while on the job.
by Donkey Hoetay
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


Hi, I'm Bikerider , a judge for "Invalid Item" I have read your entry, "A DIRTY T-SHIRT IN CHURCH"  and I offer this review for your consideration. I hope you find my comments helpful.


Things to Consider: Sister Virginia put her palms to her chest and looked at the bearded man with unkempt hair behind fluttering eyelids. As written, this says that the unkempt hair was behind fluttering eyelids.

Between Sister Virginia and the other parishioner, neither seemed very Christian, even though they were both in church.

When Sister Virginia lingered by the confessional, why was she drooling?

There is a lot of confusion in the dialogue inside the confessional. I was quickly lost and couldn't determine which character was speaking. Is there some way to clarify this by better attribution?


Character:My first thoughts about the characters was that Sister Virginia and the well dressed parishioner did not act like I would expect religious people to act. They both seemed to look down their noses at him, rather than accept him for what he is. The scene takes place in a church, after all.

There was just enough description to be able to get a glimpse of the two main characters.

Dialogue:The dialogue is good, but somewhat confusing. I suggest that more defined attribution be used.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: There are numerous missing commas. I'll list two examples.

1. The well dressed parishioner who he sat next to slid ever so slightly away from him as she looked back to where sister Virginia was standing. There should be a comma used after the word him, since the conjunction as separates two complete phrases. This sentence is also an example of passive voice, something a writer should strive to omit. Using active voice. The well dressed parishioner sitting next to the man slid ever so slightly away from him, as she looked back to where Sister Virginia stood.

2. With out releasing their friendly handshake the T-shirted man said.
"I need your help right now Padre........ I really do. I have something to confess." There are two punctuation problems here. In this sentence, the first word should be without, not with out. Also, there should be a comma after handshake, because the comma separates two separate thoughts.

3. One last example: "No. I think the Padre sees the urgent value of a sinner to reconcile with his God, right Father?" Said the man still holding tightly in the hand shake and locked in stare. The word said should not be capitalized, instead it should be written as: "I think the Padre sees the urgent value of a sinner to reconcile with his God, right father?" said the man still holding tightly... There are numerous examples of this in the story dialogue.

There are other missing commas and punctuation corrections needed that a thorough edit could identify and repair.


Comments: I like the premise of this story. Brothers, one a priest, the other a criminal, confront each other in a confessional. Describing the dirty thumb at the end was also good, giving the reader the idea that the true priest had won. I remember asking you to increase the font size when you originally submitted this piece. Giving your story a professional presentation is important, and so I wondered why you chose to use such a large font size.

The piece would benefit greatly from a thorough edit, but I think the story is worth the effort. I suggest cleaning up the dialogue with more specific attributions and correcting the punctuation problems.

Keep at it, there is a good story here.

Bikerider


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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 04/15/2015 @ 8:34pm EDT
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