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Review #4105198
Viewing a review of:
The Line of Kings  [18+]
Contest entry for The Lair
by TheLookOut
Review of The Line of Kings  
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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A really interesting story that had me hooked right from the beginning. You transported the readers right into the fairy world with some very clear imagery which made it easy to imagine the scene. The narrator was very likeable and his emotions and actions were nicely done. I liked the foreshadowing in this line,

To this day I wonder if my father knew what I was,

which was very intriguing but didn't give any of the details away.

The descriptions were excellent and quite unusual in places. For example, the description of the "shimmery dark blue velvet" of the narrator's clothes, which you later contrasted with the room, "The blue of our robes looked dull against the outrageous show of colour that abounded behind the doors" was a unique way of making the readers see the place.

I do have a few minor suggestions and if you are planning to edit this story, they might be of use:

The walls as far as I could remember were a medley of shifting colours, crimsons and oranges are two that I remember.
The repetition there was quite noticeable and I would probably omit "as far as I could remember" and simply state it as a fact.

sight of the bears pelt
You need an apostrophe in "bear's" to indicate possessive.

the King asked, my shoulders tensed I looked up at my father in horror.
The narrator's actions are separate from the King's question so I would probably begin a new sentence with "My shoulders" rather than connecting it to the previous one with a comma. Also, there should either be some punctuation or a connecting word after "tensed," for example "and" or "as."

I think, though I am still unsure to this day, whether I heard
This sentence seems a little awkward but you could fix that by omitting the word "whether."

witness my father and an uncles die
There seems to be an extra word in that sentence, "an."

my curls that suddenly no longer thought of as ugly
I think there is a word missing here, "that I suddenly..."?

One thing I was wondering at the end was what had become of the narrator's father and uncles. He left them while they were having an argument with the king and then they were never mentioned again. He did at one point describe his fear that they might be killed, but it wasn't clear if that's what happened. They might not be important for this tale any longer, but after the narrator was so proud of the way his father confronted the king, it seemed unlikely that he would just forget all about him. A sentence or two would probably tie that up.

I don't very often read fantasy stories and I am not an expert in that genre, but for what it's worth, I thought this tale was very good, both the plot and the writing itself.


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