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Review #4105640
Viewing a review of:
 I make my own Future...  [GC]
Inside Strugle that limits our greatness...
by Sérgio
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: GC | (3.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Hello Sérgio . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you have any questions or need help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Sun* *Peace2*


*Tulipr**Poseyr*General Impressions*Poseyr**Tulipr*
I guess we all need a visit from our future self every once in a while to kick us into high gear. I thought this was an interesting concept. We see things like this where there is a future version of the main character, but the future version is usually the consequence of the present self. In that sense, the future self is usually ragged and shocking in appearance so the main character is in for a rude awakening. They always end up changing due to this visit from their future self. I like that you've taken this same sort of theme and given it a funny, clever twist.

*Tulipb**Poseyb*What Worked*Poseyb**Tulipb*
I liked the sarcastic comments in parentheses while explaining the surroundings and narrator's inner voice. The future self was funny while reprimanding his past self. HIs insults were on point and engaging. The ending was the best part when the main character climbed right back into bed and the future self was already at the door knocking. We expect to see the past self make this big inner change, but instead he just goes back to bed. It was quite funny!

*Tulipp**Poseyp*Suggestions*Poseyp**Tulipp*
Oh my goodness, why is everything italicized? My poor eyes. *Laugh* I would suggest only italicizing the parts that are in parentheses because it will sort of indicate that those parts are the narrator's own commentary. Other than that, the grammar for sure needs a workout. There were a lot of issues that became distracting after a while, like the lack of spaces between words, misspellings and capitalization errors. It's okay to have some of these, but it is a bit much when the story is riddled with these things.

*Tulipv**Poseyv*Summary*Poseyv**Tulipv*
Overall, I thought that the story was an interesting twist on a classic. The grammar and style could use some editing. Thanks again for sharing with us!


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