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 Review #4109462 |
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| (4.5)| Hello Humming Bird  .I am reviewing your story
As always, remember a review is just one person's opinion. I'm an artist and I am used to receiving critiques and I value a good critique, but not all people share my love of impressionism. Some of them prefer abstract and some prefer the old Dutch masters.    HOW I FOUND YOUR PIECE I found your story in the “Boy Have I Got a Story for You” Message Forum, in the April entries. I entered this contest myself, so I thought it would be fun to read some of the other entries. I am a student in PDG’s Rockin’ Review Forum, and I am reviewing your piece as part of a class requirement. SETTING I knew as soon as I started reading this piece and realized that it was set in Bangladesh, that it would be interesting. I love reading about life in other places and you do a nice job of describing the place where the story takes place, in Dhakar City. You mention rickshaws, and I have only ever seen pictures of them, so it is fascinating to me. You have dialogue with the driver, which adds to the reality. You have done a nice job setting the scene. I would love a few more visuals of what the road looked like and how busy it was. I am sure it is quite different from what I am used to. When you describe the school we realize there is no handicapped access, we feel the coolness of the stone under her feet and the breeze coming through the window. Excellent imagery! Here is a paragraph I admired, where you use two senses, hearing and smell, to give us a more complete picture of where the character is and what it is like. I appreciate that. Twigs and branches cracked under her sandals. She wrinkled her nose as a strong odor of sweat mixed with perfume hit her nostrils. Later in the story, you mention that you feel the cold tile under your feet, adding yet another dimension to your story. When we can see, hear, smell and feel what is happening right along with you, we become participants in your story. THEME This is a biographical piece, so the creativity comes from the telling of the story. What makes a first day of school interesting? What special challenges does a handicapped person face in Bangladesh? How does the student rise to meet these challenges and what other challenges has she faced in her life? You weave the answers into your story and create an excellent biographical sketch. PLOT We begin on the road to the school and you take us into the classroom and the months beyond as a girl from Bangladesh makes friends at an English school and eventually makes one very special friend. CONFLICT Your character faces conflict on several levels. As a handicapped person she faces physical obstacles others do not. Her family is over-protective, due to the death of her brother, and she must deal with this while she struggles to be independent. Children can be cruel to people who are ‘different’ and she has had to overcome this as well. CHARACTER We meet Zakia as she is walking to school and we learn that she is determined to be self-sufficient, even though she walks with a cane. You SHOW us her character through her conversations with others and by sharing her determination to get to school and her willingness to change her major to Business. She is willing to learn new subjects, meet new people and befriend them. You create a picture of her character and it is particularly well done. Zakia comes across as a strong, sympathetic character who doesn’t allow the challenges she faces to defeat her. CLIMAX (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading) When Zakia shares what has happened to her brother with her friends it is a solemn and horrific moment. I felt tears come to my eyes. It is a complex scene, and you handled it well, using dialogue as well as ‘telling’ to recreate the moment. When she receives the phone call from Riffat I want to cheer! TECHNICAL PROFICIENCY (such as grammar, spelling, proof-reading) I believe English is your second language, so I will try to make my conclusions and suggestions clear and easy to understand. When a character in a story talks to herself, it is often better to use italics, instead of quotations to indicate this. Quotations are usually reserved for dialogue between one or more characters. This sentence could be improved: "Ugh! Wish I could see a familiar face around here somewhere. Hate that odor!" She said to herself.” You might consider saying ‘she thought to herself’, if for instance, she didn’t need to say these words aloud. We don’t want to picture her walking through the streets talking to herself. That brings an image of an eccentric person to mind. I like the idea in this sentence but the adjective “lingering” could be improved: The lingering sound of raindrops on the rooftop made them want to dance. Lingering is not a term that is typically used for raindrops and it sounds a little awkward as an adjective when used this way. The verb linger is used when something or someone stays around longer than usual. Example: He lingered after class to talk to the teacher. The scent of lilies lingered in the room long after they were gone. Raindrops that are drumming would make you want to dance, so that is a possible substitute. “The drumming raindrops on the rooftop made them want to dance.” MY CONCLUSIONS Some of the wording in your story is awkward but this is because English is your second language. I’m sure your writing will improve as your mastery of the English language continues. The content of your story and the manner in which you move us through this period in Zakia’s life is excellent. You are a storyteller! I enjoyed your piece very much, even though it was sad to learn about your brother’s great promise and his death. Writing about it must have been painful, but you managed to do it well. You have written a fine biographical piece that shows the reader a little about what it is like to live and play in Bangladesh, as well as some of the challenges people who live there deal with. Here is a sentence that you might want to look at. You could be more specific and mention the item you are smelling. “The tempting aroma of popular food items filled the atmosphere.” ‘Popular food items’ sounds too generic. Perhaps you could mention the actual food. Here in the USA we might say, “The tantalizing aroma of fried potatoes and grilled onions filled the air.” The sentence below is your closing and it is wonderful. (You need to change the word “proved” to “proven”, but the content and the way it sums up the story and relates to your title is perfect.) You are a very good writer. I will enjoy reading more of your work. He has proved a lot of times that being a brother requires neither blood connection, nor physical presence. Similarity of thinking and genuine, true love can create a completely new meaning of the word BROTHER. As I said earlier, I think your writing will improve greatly as you become more comfortable with the English language. You crafted a fine piece and it is easy to follow and enjoyable to read. Disclaimer: My review is just my opinion. Your story is yours and only you know what you are trying to say. I hope you have found it helpful. If you have please review someone else's piece. Now, go write...and rewrite, and rewrite! Nora  } ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 05/06/2015 @ 11:45am EDT