Greetings, Word Warrior beating cancer!! ! Thank you for the review request.

Your words flow easily along and your dialogue made me feel as if I was right there. I'm rather curious now that I've read through it, as to what is going to happen, if anything, between Alex and Hailey.

Technically, I noticed a few areas concerning punctuation:

Ellipses always have three dots [...]
P-3) I said[,] “Can I go
P-4) “Well,” he said, scratching his head[,] “Alex did
P-5) I lied and said[,] “Oh, I’ve
P-7) “Oh, I will..[.] I do[,]” I said nodding rapidly.
P-9) Hailey[,]” Mr. Foster said,

In P-7: and I looked to see Alex standing in the doorway, a strange look on his face. The word 'look' is repetitive. You might consider something like: and I noticed Alex standing in the doorway, a strange look on his face.

In P-7: as he would do a boy. I would scratch do: as he would a boy.

In P-10: I asked dad a few times about the day I was born and he would smile and tell me how excited he and mom were When referring to a mom or dad as a proper noun, you should cap the beginning letter: I asked Dad a few times about the day I was born and he would smile and tell me how excited he and Mom were unless you would prefer to add a pronoun to it: I asked my dad a few times about the day I was born and he would smile and tell me how excited he and my mom were

In P-11: when suddenly she said “ I love you and Hailey SO much.” You'll need to cap 'mom' earlier in this paragraph plus add a comma after 'said' and italicize 'SO' instead of capping it.

In P-12: and that there was nothing that could have been done to save her. Be wary of over-using the word that. You might want to scan your story for more. Highlight or circle or whatever, all the that words and you'll probably be surprised. I always say, if you can read it fine without using it, you don't need it. I used to use it a lot. I still catch myself once in a while. I bet I have older stories in my port that need editing for that very reason!

In P-23: I ran all the way home; hot, angry tears pouring down my face. A semi-colon is used to separate two clauses, which each could stand alone as a sentence, but if related, a semi-colon may be used instead. Your second clause might better read hot, angry tears poured down my face. Also, you repeated the word ran several times in this paragraph, so you might want to consider replacing a few of them with words such as hurried, rushed, raced, or something similar.

I thought you captured the thoughts of this age group quite well. The boy is in a cool crowd now and doesn't want to be embarrassed by a girl hanging around with him and his dad while they're fishing. How horrifying, lol! Most children/teens do go through that stage of worrying too much about what the other kids might think. It's so real to them and you do a good job portraying this.

I loved...

“But Dad.. I can’t be seen hanging out with Hailey!” Alex said, his voice becoming agitated. “She’s a girl!

I hear this clearly! You might even consider his voice squeaking or breaking or cracking or whatever boys' voices do when they are changing. Good job!

I haven't read the other chapters, but I did enjoy this one. The situation is very real and the dialogue is, too. Your story flows well and I think after you make corrections on your punctuation and omit or replace a few words, it will read better than ever!

Have a great day and...
  K e e p on W r i t i n g !

Cubby ")


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .