Hi, I'm Bikerider , a judge for "Invalid Item" I have read your entry, "The Beach"  and I offer this review for your consideration. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Story: Your short story is interesting. I like that you did it in 1st person POV. First person POV is not an easy thing to do correctly, but you did a good job with it here.

Character:The character seems realistic, and I found myself liking him. His first trip to the beach is described well.


Dialogue:You did a good job with dialogue. It is appropriate to the story and moves the story forward. Good job with this.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:Pointing out grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors is the job of an editor, not a review, however, there are a number of errors in the story, mostly missing or misused commas. I recommend you do a thorough edit.

Comments:The opening sentences/paragraph of a story are called the hook. That is because this is where you grab your reader and make them want to read on. It is also the place where you have to be error free so that your story looks professional. Many readers will put down a story if they see errors in the hook.
Your opening paragraph:
Being in the family van for almost 7 hours is way more painful than I ever imagined. My sister talked the whole time and I mean the whole time. Dad drove and the only words he uttered were "Make break time quick. We are making good time." Mom just hummed to the radio and acted like she was interested in what Tammy was saying.

I see two problems here. Dad drove and the only words he uttered were[you need a comma here]. Make break time quick. We are making good time." This presents a problem. As written, it seems like the family should be stopped at a rest stop or something, but there is no mention of this. Since the car is moving, or at least that's the way it is written, how or why would the occupants make their break quick? I suggest you be more succinct here, because like I said, this is the hook and it is very important.

It is not easy to describe a character's emotions in a story, but you did a good job with it here. Also, you did an excellent job of describing the beach and how the character felt about being there. Good job!

This story is one that I think would resonate with a great many readers. The 'firsts' for many things are memorable, especially seeing the ocean for the first time. Why don't you plump up this story by giving the reader more information? Why has the family not visited the beach before? Do they live too far away, or are they just not beach goers? How long ago did the character's parents marry? How did the sister react to being at the beach? Plumping up this story and giving the reader a bit more information will make this good story even more interesting.

Good job with this; keep at it.

Bikerider










My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .