Hi, I'm Bikerider , a judge for "Invalid Item" I have read your entry, "Some Broken Circles pt. 1: Loop"  and I offer this review for your consideration. I hope you find my comments helpful.

Story: Interesting, unusual, surreal.

Character:There are three characters, the narrator character who tells the reader what he is experiencing, and two scientists.
Only one of the characters is shown by description, the man the main character sees on the bus who is 5'6" tall, square jaw and sharp features. The other doctor and the main character is not described.
In order for a reader to care about a character, the reader must first know something about that character. The narrator is confused, seems to be having trouble with his memory or staying on track as he goes through his day. But as a reader, I couldn't 'see' him. Is he young or old? What is his name? I suggest that you add some description, give your reader a look at the character and let the reader get to know him.

Showing a character's emotions in a story like this is important, and you handled it well. I felt his confusion, his bewilderment.


Dialogue:There is only a short dialogue at the end of the story, but even though short it does move the story forward and answers the questions of what is happening to the main character. The inner dialogue of the main character is a bit confusing. I understand that you are trying to show that he is confused, somewhat out of sorts, but I think that at times it could use some tightening up.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: I saw no grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors.

Comments:

This is an unusual story that I don't think was easy to write. You did a good job showing the character's confusion, and showing that he was unable to carry out his day normally is also well done. Taking the story from its opening where the character is waiting for the bus, then going through his confusing day, only to be back on the doctor's table is called a bookend. Most times a bookended story doesn't work well, but because it was at the end where we learn what is happening to the character, the bookend works fine here. The ending gave the reader the answers to the question of what was happening to this guy.

Nicely done, a good read. I believe with a bit of tightening and some description this could be a five-star story.






My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .