%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4129746 |
 | The Business Trip  [13+] This doesn't make sense....  |
| (3.5)   "SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP" Hello there Newbie! Welcome to WDC.  This is a Simply Positive Review.  This is a tale of the woes of a marriage going downhill. The wife suspects her husband of cheating on her and wanted more proof than just the suit and briefcase in the back of the closet.Observations:  I think this may be for a contest? I ask because it is quite short and places a word count at the end. Thus, the reader understands the need to try to get a beginning, middle and end, into a very compact space. The problem is, with most word count stories that hover around the 300 word count limit, the author tends to waste more words up front and then needs to wrap the storyline quickly and tightly so there is an end to the story. Here, you spend much time hovering around the fact that her life was well-lived with her husband due to his hard work and success. I think you could wrap that thought up quickly. Suggestions: "This doesn't make sense." I muttered to myself. My husband, Alex, was supposed to be on a business trip. However, his briefcase and suit were hidden in the back of our closet. I had a sinking suspicion that he had been unfaithful, the late night phone calls and spur of the moment trips, but I had no real proof. We had been married for going on 25 years. We had a good relationship or so I thought. We lived a comfortable life, my husband worked hard and had been successful. Because of his hard work, it had afforded me a certain lifestyle that our kids and I had become accustomed too. I wasn't really sure I was willing to give that lifestyle up but I knew I wasn't going to let him get away with this." TRY: Alex is supposed to be on a business trip, yet his briefcase and suit are in the back of the closet. I had started suspecting he was having an affair. It all made sense --- the hang-up calls, and urgent need to do something at the office that needed his attention, late at night. It was a good twenty-five years. His career afforded us a comfortable lifestyle. All of mine and the children's monetary needs were surpassed. Something I didn't want to give up. But I couldn't let him get away with this. (Rewrite:94 words, Original:136 words) That gives you 40 extra words just from these two paragraphs to build up the storyline. Another Example: "I finally got up and went into our shared bathroom. I fixed my make up and smoothed out my skirt. I knew Alex was due home in a few hours, I had decided what I wanted to do. I was going to make him a welcome home meal he would never forget." (52 words) TRY: Alex was due home in an hour. I got dressed and applied make-up. This would be a special night he'd never forget. (23 words)  These are just a couple rewrite examples that give the reader the information needed without excess words. If you streamline a few paragraphs, you'll be able to build-up the ending so that it has more impact. Take the reader for a ride, keep them guessing a little longer then do the deed. The storyline is a fine one -- the rushed ending leaves the reader a little puzzled. As is, the wife is doing this deed upon suspicion of cheating yet says she needs proof.Reader's will ask Questions:  Why can't he have more than one briefcase and suit? Didn't the wife know which suit he had on when he left for the trip? Wouldn't she question him if he didn't have his briefcase with him?  That's why it's important to chose words carefully,and write tighter. Leave some room to fit in the essential clues to prove he's cheating:A love note in the suit in the closet from his lover.  A paper with a sonogram picture works very well, left in his pants pocket with a post-it note: "Your baby girl/boy's, first picture!"   There are many ways to "prove" the case of infidelity. This way, the reader can feel something for her other than indifference, and also hate the husband at the same time. It would be a good idea to skip two spaces between paragraphs for ease of reading on electronic screens. It seems to work best here at WDC.  Again, good storyline, it just needs a few edits. Hook the reader with character and plot development, (which can be compact, as you've seen by the suggestions above,) yet have great impact on the readers' opinion of the wife and husband. I hope this has been helpful.  Until next time--write on! Regards, WebWitch  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 06/24/2015 @ 1:26pm EDT