Hi! I'm judging "Invalid Item"  for Round 68 and thought I should give everyone some quick feedback on their aubades! I know that sometimes, even my "quick" reviews get pretty long, but this time, I really am trying to keep it short.

Favorite Aspects

I like that the piece begins at night before switching to the present in the morning. It is a nice progression and still fits the poetry form.

Language / Word Choice

I do think there are miscellaneous words throughout that add no meaning. Sort of... unnecessary bulk. For example:

"It was my soul that
leaked from the sliver
of the moon
and into her heart."

"My soul leaked
from the sliver
of moon and into
her heart"

Says pretty much the same thing without some of the boring words: it was that the
An added bonus: it uses action to draw readers into the poem, whereas "was" does not.

There are other ways to go about it too, but this is just one example of the type of tightening that could help make your words really sing. I believe that I've mentioned this before in my reviews, but I cannot help it. Concise usually equates to strong word usage (like the action verb "leaked") as well as removing the bulk and allowing the important words to shine.

One other note on the language here-- the 'sands of time' that 'slip away' is pretty generic. I feel like I've heard it a million times before (though it is pretty and also appropriate in this context). I might consider thinking of other possible similes that could work but offer something a little more fresh.

Technical / Grammar / Syntax

Because the piece changes from past tense to present tense as well as night to morning, I would strongly consider a stanza break before "I watch". Without the break, I was totally confused as to why you were suddenly using present tense. A stanza break would have prepared me for some sort of change.

Effect

Overall, I think this is a fine contest entry. It could use some revision, but I would bet money that this is a first draft. Actually, it seems like most prompt-based contest entries are (my own included). The piece does stand out from the other entries I have read so far, which is a good thing. Good luck with the contest this time, love, and I look forward to seeing more entries!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .