Hi, love! I'm judging "Invalid Item"  for Round 68 and thought I should give everyone some quick feedback on their aubades! I'm genuinely shooting for quick reviews this time, as I know that it's easy for me to go overboard.

Favorite Aspects

This is the most emotive entry I've read so far. The sentiment is really the star here, and it has sort of a soft, gentle sadness about it. Nicely done!

Language / Word Choice

The opening stanza has a few too much -ing going on for me. Dreading, breaking, caressing all within the space of 5 words? I might rework that a little bit.

I think "with each ray, he slowly fades" is probably my favorite. Strange that the line I think it most powerful falls in the middle of the poem and the middle of a stanza.

"Intertwined" reads as a verb-- a past tense verb. I'd change it to "intertwine". Also, 'dreams' seems like a strange choice, considering that he is not asleep and she just woke up. Still, it is a lovely sounding of line.

I actually liked the line more when I thought it was figurative though. It took a few reads to figure out that this is sort of a ghost story. If it isn't, then the organization needs work. I was confused as to why she awoke alone but he was there watching her in the next stanza. After a few reads, I came to realize that perhaps his "fading" was not figurative at all but literal. It's an interesting idea, but the first time I got to "He watches her", I was completely confused. Not sure if that makes it worth changing (probably not). Unless, of course, he is not meant to be a ghost, in which case, I would seriously overhaul this piece.

Effect

I told you I'd keep it short! This is a nice entry. As far as the poetry form, you nailed it and did so in a very creative way. It is a lovely piece, so good luck with the contest!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .