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Review #4130684
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Review by Tiggy
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Rated: | (4.5)
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*Sun* First Impression:

An excellent mystery with more than one twist. The way you introduced the character worked well to make sure the readers didn’t guess too early who might be one of the good guys and who wasn’t. In fact, at first it wasn’t even clear that there were goodies and baddies, although the cut rope you mentioned early on was a hint that not everything was as it seemed. I also liked how the characters were in different places and it was nicely done that you didn’t immediately say who the man was who answered Jack’s radio. The whole story left me guessing until the end.

The characters of Leslie and Sam were well defined through their conversation which sounded quite realistic and gave the readers quite a clear image of them as well as a bit of the background. The other characters weren’t so clear but they didn’t have to be, the readers learned enough about them through the revelations later on in the story. The descriptions were good, especially at the beginning, to give the readers a sense of the setting without going over the top as not much was needed for them to get a feel for the place.


*Sun* Suggestions:

There was some quite obvious repetition in the first couple of paragraphs, “rope” in the first one and “ends” in the second. I would consider rewording some of the sentence or replacing at least one of them with “it.”

Have you seen Jack, yet.
I don’t think you need the comma there. Also, as this is a question it should end in a question mark.

“What about skinner?”
As “Skinner” is a name it should be capitalised.

they were are friends
There seems to be an extra word in that sentence, “are.” Or perhaps you meant to say, “they were all friends.”

make it back Okay?
I don’t think “okay” should be capitalised.

Were his eyes playing tricks on him.
There should be a question mark instead of a period.

Why arn’t you
Just a typo, “aren’t.”

“You ever roll play Leslie.”
Again, there should be a question mark at the end. Also, you need a comma after “play” to set off the direct address.


*Sun* Final Thoughts:

The writing was good and the errors I pointed out above were all quite minor. I especially enjoyed that you didn’t give the ending away too early and kept the readers guessing, and I can see why it won a prize in the official site contest. A good read!




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