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Review #4130724
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Hi Siobhan Falen ,

I read your other story and have some comments to offer.
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I liked this story about one who is so obsessed with preserving the environment, I think she's a case of OCD. The reason is because she went to the extent of having a fake police badge and buried them in her garden *Shock*. I also saw that, even after the other lady apologized, the main character beat her up until the lady died. What an obsession! And I loved the main character's disorder because that's what drove the story--very character driven *Thumbsup*.
I saw flashback at the beginning and at the end. It was well done and not confusing.
                   *Crayons8*                    *Crayons8*                    *Crayons8*          

I didn't spot any grammar issues other than a few commas but that did not stop the flow. Take an instance below and check where I have put the comma in violet:
Only a few cars remained around us, and she was parked right next to the cart return.
When there is a subject after "and" use a comma before "and" just like I've done above.
                   *Headphones*                    *Headphones*                    *Headphones*          

I felt like the story was fast paced which I liked. I just think you could take a bit more time when the main character hit the lady in her car. That part seemed to happen too fast.
Another suggestion I have is about the title. I was thinking something weird and quirky such as The Obsessed Preserver? *Bigsmile*. I think you have much better ones than mine and one that's more suitable to the fear factor and suspense of the story.
                   *FishP*                    *FishP*                    *FishP*          

Speaking of suspense, I thought about the tension you created. It was wonderful! *Starr*. I enjoyed it up to the very last bit like eating a super-sweet cookie grandma made *Gingerbread*. I loved the tension part the most *Heart*.
                    *Delight*                     *Delight*                     *Delight*          

Overall, a scary story with a lot of tension and good descriptions. Write on!

*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 06/29/2015 @ 7:44am EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4130724