Review of

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #2028583 by Not Available.

Hello,benjwriter14 }

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




The hook, the opening sentences/paragraphs of a story are very important. It's where a writer pulls in his reader. Your opening sentences are well done. The questions I had after reading the first sentences left me with questions that could only be answered by reading further. Good job with this.





I saw a number of spelling errors in this story, but nothing that can't be fixed with a bit of attention.

She was lean with with soft curves,...

Family [families] on the grass picknicing picnicking.

It had all started when she download[ed] the free Truth or Dare app for her smart phone.

She felt week [weak] in the knees, light headed and a bit sick to her stomach.




I enjoy reviewing erotica because I think very few people do reviews on this genre. I have written quite a few erotica stories as well. I liked this story because it is about something that I believes happens often; sexual games. I wasn't sure about the woman master bating in the park, especially since there were families present, but I do understand that games like that, especially when the prize is a million dollars, can be demanding and require a demanding person.

I wasn't surprised that Amee won the game. After all, I'm betting that few people would have the guts to masturbate openly like Amee did.

I think this story would benefit from a thorough edit, and plumping it up with more details. What other things did Amee do that kept her in the game; how many people had started the game; how long had it been going on.

The story was probably written for a contest with a word count requirement. Now that the contest is over, adding to the story shouldn't be a problem.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .