Review of

The Grand Vacation  (E) Going on a vacation what will happen. #2010403 by ~ IVELTAC ~

Hello,~ IVELTAC ~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating " 




I like stories about travel, especially if the destination is someplace I have never seen or visited. I have never been to the Grand Canyon, or Yellowstone Park. I found some of your descriptions very well done.






Numbers should be written out. Out of one came 5 [five] people. Out of another came 8 [eight] people. There are several places in the story where you have not written out the number and should be revisited.

After lunch had been eaten, the kids all ran over to the johns’ [Johns'] campsite. Johns' should be capitalized because it is a name.

When writing dialogue, each speaker is given his own sentence or paragraph. Your dialogue should look like this;

Lydia got up. “I say we play Super Uno.”
Jonathan turned towards her “I don’t like Super Uno. You guys can play though.”
Daniel smiled “Jonathan will play.”
“Says who?” Jonathan smiled.
“Because I’m playing!” Remarked Daniel.
Everyone was playing, other than the parents, so Jonathan decided to play. About three-fourths through the game the parents came over and told them to get ready to go see the rim. You should explain what you mean by 'rim' here because it isn't until much later in the story that you inform your reader what it is.




I like your style of writing. It felt like a friend was telling me a story about his recent travels. You have an easy, relaxing style of writing that I like.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .