Review of

STATIC

The Towers are Falling  (13+) Nine Eleven #2010958 by ~ IVELTAC ~

Hello,~ IVELTAC ~

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating " 




This is a story about one of America's most horrific tragedies, and it makes for interesting reading. I like the way you showed every one of Bennet's movements that morning, even the mundane ones. Typically, showing every movement a character makes, such as placing bread in a toaster, pulling jam our f the refrigerator, etc, would be too much distraction in a story. But here I think it's important to show those movements because it leads a reader to think that maybe he survived; it adds to the drama.

You did a good job with this.




In any story, the opening sentences or paragraphs are very important; this is called the hook. The hook is where you pull your reader in, where you hook him and pull him into the story, gain his interest. It's where your reader decides whether to read on or not.

Your hook:
Bennet woke up, it was six A.M. and Bennet had another, busy day at the office to do. Bennets [Bennet's] job was at the world trade center. Bennet was just like anyone that worked there, just a regular person. He jumped out of bed, turned his alarm off, and walked to his closet. Bennet went through all his suits, he decided he would wear the gray plaid jacket, and gray dress pants. Bennet picked up his cloths, and walked into the bathroom. Bennet changed, brushed his teeth, used the bathroom, and walked out looking nice and ready for the day ahead of him.

A good hook will have no errors of any kind, and it will leave the reader with some questions he can only have answered if he reads further into the story. Your hook has a number of errors that I suggest you repair. Also, consider using Bennet as often as you do. Saying he or him will work here because he is the only character mentioned so far.

Also, there are many unnecessary commas in the story.




When writing a story to post into your portfolio, it is always a good idea to treat that story like one that you would be sending off to a publisher for consideration. An error free, properly presented story, will garner many more readers than one that is not properly presented.

This is an important story, one that deserves close attention. I'd like to suggest that you go back to this story, make the necessary repairs, then repost it. When you're done, please email me so I can take another look at it and give it another review.

Keep writing.

Bikerider.

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .