Review of

STATIC

The Man in The Suit  (E) A man appearing in random places. #2024714 by ~ IVELTAC ~

Hello,~ IVELTAC ~ I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




I liked the opening paragraph of your story; the hook. In that paragraph you have introduced two characters, shown the reader what the conflict was, and left the reader with questions whose answers could only be found by reading the story. Good job!




I have listed a couple of errors that can be easily fixed.

Wally srughed [shrugged] and they continued seesawing. After they got bored of sea sawing they [began] raking more leaves into the pile.

Give each speaker of dialogue their own sentence, like this:
Malakai said trying not to laugh.”
“Yes I did.” Wally said. The two went inside and told there mom. Their mom groaned.
“He’s at it again.”
Wally tilted his head like a dog. “Who’s at what again mom?” his mom just kept doing the dishes. Malakai led Wally into their room.




This interesting story comes out sounding like a fantasy. How interesting that the boy's grandfather has found a way to move around by falling into the ground. It would be great if we could all actually do that.

I would like to suggest that your go back into this story and make the necessary repairs. This story is definitely worth the effort. If you do make repairs, please let me know so I can re-read and re-review the story.

Thanks for sharing this.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .