Review of

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Hello,Andrew

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




I retired from law enforcement after 25 years, 20 as a detective, so when I saw the title of your story and the tease just below it, I had to take a look. I'm glad I did. I like the way the story moves back and forth between two different locations. The story is written in such a way that it wasn't difficult to follow along from location to location.




There was one place that I had to reread several times, and even then I was still a bit confused about what was happening.


He moved on to the second row of boxes. Roxanne with her pretty curls, Stacy with her straight hair. Nothing in either one of those. Helena and Henrietta, the twins. A fun time. Upstairs the car chase ground on, more insane stunts, building to the climax. Yvette, the oldest at twenty, had a scar on her neck, dried blood forming a necklace. He pulled the last box down.

The bolded, italicized words are where I was confused. It took a while, but I did figure it out. For me, taking the time to try to understand what was meant by Nothing in either one of those, stopped the flow of an otherwise nicely flowing story.





At the beginning of the story I wasn't sure of the transition from where the officer confronted Wayne, but as I moved through the story the transitions became clear. I think it was very creative of you to synchronize the sound and pace of the gangster movie playing upstairs, with what Wayne was doing in the basement, and then letting it all converge when the cops arrived at Wayne's house.

I enjoyed reading this story. You did a good job with description, and showing Wayne's emotions. And even though this is a work of fiction, I'm glad it ended with Wayne getting caught. But then, as the old saying goes; once a cop, always a cop.

Great job of writing.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .