Review of

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Hello,Riot

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




I liked the way this story comes across as if it were a parable. I like its concise, clearly written tone.

I like stories that feature good written description. Here are a couple of my favorite places;

One morning, when Grandmother sun was sailing across the sea of sky, hundreds of seedlings were planted in a large meadow in Mother Earth's womb. This is the first sentence in this story, but I liked the way you compared the furrows of planted seeds as Mother Earth's womb. That seems so fitting since both in nature and in humans, the womb is where life begins.

Tucked away in the safety of the ground, the seedlings began their journey to the surface. I never considered a seeds growth as a journey, but this sentence brought a new perspective.

She collapsed to the ground, and a single tear cut through her dirty face. As that same tear fell to the earth, she mourned a whispering prayer. For me, this sentence brought out a new solemnity within the story. For me, this sentence changed the tone of the story and described the conflict very well. No rain and no life, human or otherwise could survive.

Your use of description not only shows your reader where the story takes place, it also sets the tone of the story. Very well done!




I saw no grammar, punctuation, or spelling errors in this story. I would not change a word of this story.




It's not often that I read a story that makes me think about it even after I've finished reading it, but this one did. While it comes across as a parable, it is told in a friendly voice, as if I was sitting at a table with a friend.

Excellent story, it is interesting, well written, and filled with good description and emotion.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

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