Review of

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Hello,Riot

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




Wow! What a sad story. How do I list things I liked about a story of such horrendous abuse? But I hope it is understood that what I liked about the story had nothing to do with what Davey's abusive father did.

"This one's going to be The Commander!" you announced excitedly in hushed whispers. I know I smiled at you - how could I not just adore the cutest little brother one could have?
With these sentences, you have given the reader a lot of information. Davey whispered...because he was afraid of his father. And we also learned that the narrator is Davey's sister. Good, concise description.




Davey called the one toy soldier his Latin Soldier. While I read that I wondered why he chose that name for the toy soldier. If there was some significance to the name, I would have liked to know what it was. Since the title of the story is The Latin Soldier, I assumed that Latin Soldier had some kind of significance to Davey. If there was some significance, I think it would add a great deal of interest to the story.

Thrilled at the aspect of having something new and something you've always wanted, you ran past me in the hall to your room and secretly opened the plastic crinkle wrapped soldiers. Instead of the word aspect, did you mean prospect?




The thing that resonated with me while reading this story was that when I was young, probably about Davey's age, I had a set of those waxy toy soldiers. While I didn't name each one of them, I did have a few I was more fond of then some others, and the special ones got names and titles.

I retired from law enforcement after 25 years, 21 as a detective. I worked a several child abuse cases, some of them homicides. While I read your story I felt the narrator's emotions, and they seemed real to me, authentic, and what I experienced from relatives of the young victims. What I'm saying here is that you got the emotions right; not an easy thing to do.

This is an interesting, poignant, and well written story.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

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