Review of

The Building  (13+) Curiosity gets the better of me as I noticed a strange building in downtown Seattle. #1559221 by Riot

Hello,Riot

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




There is a lot in this story that I liked. The dialogue, while there isn't a lot of it, has a special place in the story. He raised his hand at me. “Oh miss, please don’t do that...” That bit of dialogue set up the story well, it gave a glimpse of where the story was going, and it made my wonder why the character didn't listen to the old homeless man.

You use description well. While there was many places I thought were well done, here are a couple of my favorite spots.

Not to mention the daunting buildings rising from the ground and disappearing endlessly into the sky. I was born and raised in New York City, so this visual really worked well for me.

So when I finally stopped in the center of a sidewalk and tilted my head up at the colossal building before me, I wasn’t surprised when somebody bumped into my shoulder and continued walking without even apologizing. This sounds like New York City to me.



I noticed a couple of places that could use some attention, like missing or misplaced commas, something most of us struggle with. I also noticed that occasionally the flow was interrupted by word usage. Here's an example of what I mean.

I helped myself a little too eagerly in, because it was only after the door clanked shut behind me that I realized it was pitch black. I helped myself a little too eagerly in.... May I suggest this; In my eagerness to enter the building, I hardly noticed that the room was pitch black.




I will admit to a shudder as I realized that the character was no longer trapped inside the building, but instead had been turned into one of the forms along the roof of the building. That is a very creative way to end a story.

I can see why this story was featured in the Drama Newsletter for March 2011.

I enjoyed reading your story. It's interesting, creative, and nicely written.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .