Review of

Invalid Item  This item number is not valid. #2014943 by Not Available.

Hello,Charlie ~ }

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




I have always found it difficult to write humor, so my hat is off to you for writing this humorous story. It didn't take me long to be pulled into the story because of your friendly style of writing. As I read it was as if a friend sat across the table and told me this story.

While humor is difficult to write, so is action. The scene in the cafeteria as everyone tried to get the Cheez-It's is both funny and depicts action, and you did both well.




Dates can be written using numbers: November fourteenth will go down in history as the day of the Cheez-its. Writing it as November 14th is proper.

You wrote: The day dragged on. Seconds became minutes and minutes turned into hours. Lunch finally arrived, not a moment too soon, as I was sure I’d pop a blood vessel if I had to make one more life insurance cold call.
As written, the phrase lunch finally arrived, leads a reader to believe that the character's lunch, food, had arrived. I suggest adding the word time after the word lunch.




Humor is difficult to write. What people find funny varies from person to person, so a writer who tries to reach everyone's funny bone over uses what he/she thinks is funny.

You have written a story that is funny, interesting, well written with good description. Very good job!

Pickled egg and mustard sandwich??? Really? Yuk!

Keep writing.

Bikerider

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