Review of

Circuitous Fire   (18+) Livi's secret admirer is ruining her marriage. But why is her husband so paranoid? #1978600 by Charlie ~

Hello,Charlie ~

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




I liked the drama the gifts brought to the story. An unknown admirer could be anything from a person with a crush to a whack job stalking you. I had to read on to find out where the gifts were coming from.

I could see that Livi had no idea where the gifts were coming from. You did a good job showing her emotions as each new gift arrived.




Transitions are very important to a story. It's how you convey to your reader that something important in your story has changed; either a character change or a change in location. A transition should be visible so that the reader can easily know what the change is. Your lack of transition here confused me.

In the beginning of the story, where Livi calls her husband, his name is Ray. "Ah, Livi, it's nice to talk to you, too!" Ray responded. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean though."

But that night when Livi is sitting in bed, his name is Dean. I'm sorry, Dean, I just need this to end right now."

Because there was no transition, this appeared to be a mistake, a place where you referred to one character with two different names. Using a transition would have eliminated that confusion.






I was a bit surprised, and disappointed, at the ending. I wondered why Ray would think that by sending gifts to his wife from an unknown admirer would make her confess her infidelity. And once she admitted her guilt, which she did much too easily, Ray gave up on his marriage much too easily.

The dialogue is good, and the story flows well, but it is the ending that didn't seem right to me.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .