Review of

STATIC

Fire to Ashes  (13+) A dark to light story #1226582 by Joy

Hello,Joy

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




As you know, the opening sentences/paragraphs of a story are where you 'hook' your reader and pull him/her into the story. Your hook in this story is very well done.
This wait couldn't be too bad; plus, what else could he do after making the deal... Leaving the reader with an unanswered question is a good way to keep your reader interested. Good job with this.

The story's location seems fitting for the story. A landscape pocked by large boulders, fires that reach into the sky, ledges that hover high over the abyss. Location is very important to a story and should fit the piece, and your location fit the story perfectly.



I saw no spelling or grammar errors in this story. However, I did see several punctuation errors, mostly unnecessary commas, or needed commas that were missing. Everyone struggles with comma usage, myself included. But a thorough edit can repair the minor punctuation problem here.




There were places in the story that confused me, but that might be because I don't read this genre very often. As a suggestion; at the beginning of the story you wrote:

Once the fire died down, she would reappear and take him by the hand, and they would begin walking on air just as she had promised. She would lead him to the place where all spirits walked on top of something fluffy as if coated with moss, and the two of them would take a rest on a riverbank shining of iridescent light.

I would have been less confused if you had written in some information about who 'she' is. I learned later that she is a spirit, and an important one, so I think it would be important to give her an introduction so the reader understands early on what her role is.

I have mentioned a couple of places in the story that could use some attention, but I say that because this story is worth the effort to make it perfect. Good location, great description, and a character that a reader can identify with.

An interesting story that flows well. Good job!

Keep writing.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .