Review of

STATIC

Who Killed Johnny?  (13+) A writer wonders about the death of a man she never met. #313543 by Joy

Hello,Joy

I'm Bikerider and I am reviewing your item for "King's Landing updating "  I hope you find my comments helpful.




What I liked most about this story is its realism. You also did a great job 'showing' rather than 'telling,' right up to the end. You never said Johnny's mother was to blame, but after reading this story it was easy to see that while she didn't kill Johnny, not literally anyway, she certainly had a lot to do with his depression.




Some of my suggestions are based solely on my opinion as a reader.

I had a window seat right on top of [over] one of the conveyor belts. Closing my paperback, I watched the men toss the bags unto [onto] it.

The wording of this sentence stopped my reading;
At that moment, I saw her standing near the empty aisle seat next to me. Grasping onto her too small purse, she whispered indignantly. "That's my son!"

I saw her standing... This is where I stopped. Saying her made me wonder who her is. May I suggest you change it to; At that moment I noticed a woman standing near the aisle seat...

"Do you live in Elmira?" I asked, unable to find a proper path to proper words.

She nodded. "All my life. I came to Pittsburgh because Johnny's roommate called." I assumed this is where the characters were as they spoke on the plane, but if you had mentioned earlier in the story that the location was Pittsburgh, perhaps when the narrator was in the waiting room, it would be clear what the location is.




I retired from law enforcement after 25 years, 21 of which was as a detective. During that time it was not unusual for a parent to blame someone else for their child's troubles; be it getting arrested, or dying young. Because of my experience in that regard, this story brought back many memories, some good and some not so good. But it also made this story totally realistic. I don't know what your personal experience is, but you got everything right in this story.
The mother thought only crazy people went to therapy. She made an excuse for her son when he was caught buying drugs. The school was the reason for Johnny moving away. And on and on it goes.

You have done a great job with this story. The characters are realistic, the dialogue is well done. It is an interesting read.

Great job! Keep writing.

Bikerider

My review has been entered in Good Deeds Get Cash!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .