%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4134218 |
 Hi Ronda! Thanks for sharing this intruging chapter!  Characters I think you have some good, solid characters here. A bit chaotic, but thus is the case when drugs and alcohol are involved. Your descriptions are fairly good and I can easily visualize them - with a couple of exceptions: ● Olivia: "Her mouth was broad, and her lips moderately full, showcasing white straight teeth when she smiled, causing her black Asian-like almond-shaped eyes to crinkle at the edges corners. ● "She had a broad forehead, which shot steeply backwards at a slant, and her face projected forward. This sounds quite bizarre, to be honest - almost Neanderthal. Her face was oval, and low." Storyline I found the storyline to be quite believable in the sort of lifestyle and neighborhood that Asa lives in. Everything moves along quite well, and the pace is neither too fast (with maybe the exception of Maria becoming Asa's "gf."). I liked how you mentioned Charlotte early on, but left us to wonder about her, only to explain what happened to her explicitly later on, which also coincided with how Asa's dad came to be in prison. I think it worked much better that way than giving separate details of each character. Suggestions I found a few things that might need tweaking: ● First things first - spacing. You can have a brilliant story, but if your reader sees one huge chunk paragraph, they tend to move on to something else. Large blocks of text can be hard on the eyes, so you need to break paragraphs down. You've done a great job of using separate paragraphs for each characters dialogue.  ● "Her button down shirt was falling open, and I couldn't help but have my gaze graze her. I couldn't take my gaze from her."" ● "She was short, with a slight build, and delightfully plump, only five foot." "slight build" means "slim," which is contradictory to "plump." ● "Afterward I crawled dragged myself (?) with what dignity I had left into the shower." ● "She was cute, not the prettiest, but cute. Her name was Maria. Something drew me to her, an energy she exalted exuded." ● "God, I hoped Olivia wasn't going to start that. Cocaine was an evil drug. It made you do evil things.Abdominal Abominable things." ● "My father was Irish-American, and my mother was black, but she must have not been whole fully African-American because I was the spitting image of my father." Other than these typos, I found your grammar, spelling and punctuation were perfect. Great job!  The Hook I was hooked from the opening paragraph, honestly. Kudos to you for that! You gave just enough of a peek at the extreme dysfunction in Asa's life to make me, and others, want to keep reading.  Final Thoughts I think this story is extremely interesting and read-worthy. It gave me a look inside a world that I found repulsive, yet like a train wreck, I couldn't look away. Once you clean it up a bit, with or without my suggestions, it will be a winner! Keep up the good work, and Keep Writing!  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
