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 Review #4138326 |
 |  | Bite of Vengeance  [E] A best friend gets even in the oddest way  |
| (4.0)| Hello Tiger Cub 🔱 , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" [E]. In honour of your valiant efforts in GOT, the "WDC Power Reviewers Group" Raid is dedicated to you!  ** Image ID #2049306 Unavailable ** This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.  The Title: I like the title, crisp, clear and crackling! (That last was supposed to be an allusion to your 'bite', but alas, it falls way short of the delicious pun in your intro, the 'odd' way of getting 'even'! Well done!) The Beginning: I am not sure if you want to keep the narrator's identity hidden as long as possible or whether you are okay if some readers 'get' it earlier. There was one give away phrase in that marvelous beginning.For the reference to "the many marvels the people of earth have created", that told me the narrator was not one of those people. She could be from outer space, or from Earth, but not of its 'people', but she sets herself apart with those words. Might it not be safer (duller, sure, but safer) to talk of Man's creations/inventions? I like slow languorous beginnings that can go in a number of possible directions, that contrast with the action or description of latter parts. This bit worked well. The emotion was well created, with few words. The Setting: I could get the emotional part in the first few lines itself, the physical part came later and fleshed out the main character, the foil to the narrator. I think that it was pure genius to get the more difficult part of setting done at the beginning, it let one relax and enjoy the layering of detail that came later. The Characters: Oh, the narrator proves true to her race, or at least the characteristics attributed to them. The revenge was pure evil, she knows just which buttons to push, does she not? The Descriptions: You had to hold yourself in, the use of too much would have given away the end. I got it, not because I am a born detective but because I had attempted a similar tale, only with a twist in the opposite direction! I had added in a lot of description there, a heap of red herrings that gave it a heavy push to 'something fishy' this way comes!  But I tend to lean to humour even in my dark tales, this one kept it lean and mean and focused on one emotion. I think it was strikingly effective! The Dialogue: This was its only weak point. I am glad you had some dialogue, I find tales without dialogue losing the snappy 'now' feel that effective talking generates. But, it made the POV jump from first person to omniscient - not a biggie, but it was the only disruption of smooth narrative. The Technical Aspects: Grammar and Punctuation: Let me clarify - I tend to misplace commas, quotes, semi-colons and other hook-like things, including clothes hangers and ear-rings! So any suggestions I make are pretty much guess-work, but sometimes these points do make me re-think!Your work, though? Impeccable. I might find a flaw somewhere if I employ a lot of time and effort, but the search would benefit neither of us. Kudos for your painstaking editing and command of the rules! The Story as a Whole: It is short, it takes the story in a unique direction, an unexpected twist is revealed. What more can one ask? An excellent read! What I liked: I love the kind of tales that feature the narrator’s kind. It is so darn hard to tell what I liked, forget why I liked it, without giving your crux away! I like these seeming effortless flights of fancy that are actually crafted with toil and care. I loved the ending, sweet revenge and more power to us females! Suggestions: Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:"Sauntering my way to the shoe rack, I made my choice." Grammatically, sauntering, or any other description of locomotion, already implies making one's way, so that’s tautology. But, what got me was that it is not consistent. It is great description, but it does not fit the character of the narrator as later revealed, not as part of the race, nor of the sub-division mentioned. It’s as if you said it of a troll, or an ogre, it just doesn’t fit. Fairy, yes, elf yes, either of the aforementioned above, no, a resounding NO! Misdirection is all very well, but when we re-read, it must ring true. "He had to force a smile back." The problem here is that ‘forcing back a smile’ means the opposite of returning a smile, and it takes only a little shuffling to get there from what you have written. Minds are funny things, they run ahead of the eye or the finger and mess up meanings – would you care to rephrase that sentence or are you happy with it as it stands? " she looked like the big bad wolf after it won the lottery" We just had a NL on similes, I find this one graphic, but confusing. Why would she be likened to the Big Bad Wolf – surely her obsession is not similar to his gustatory fixations on pigs? And why would BBW like winning a lottery, unless the prize was paid in pigs? I am not saying it’s not vivid or descriptive, just that it raises too many irrelevant questions. Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.  May your words go on to shine!  Effort brings colour to Life ** Image ID #1798477 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 11/13/2015 @ 9:41am EST