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Review #4141546
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Review by Tiggy
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Rated: | (3.0)
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*StarB* First Impressions:

It looks like you have quite an intriguing idea for a story here. I’m not always convinced that writing a prologue is a good idea because sometimes it can be a lazy way for a writer to tell the readers about the background of a story without having to try and include it in the tale itself. But in this case, because the backstory goes thousands of years back, it seemed to work doing it this way, especially as you seemed to indicate that after such a long time some of the details might have been lost. I’m not sure if this was strictly a prologue – it looked that way at the beginning but towards the end it reminded me more of the blurb on the back of a novel. And I assume that the information you gave the readers here will be important later on in the story and that’s why it was important to tell the readers. So having said all that, I think the prologue was nicely done to initially set the scene for your story.

The reason I said that in parts it didn’t really read like a prologue was that after the details of how the land was divided and the magic was all but forgotten, you seemed to rush the narrative a little. After the details of how the war had ended, you suddenly mentioned some crystals of power that hadn’t played a part at all so far, and a young girl you hadn’t previously introduced. The last few sentences were similarly confusing, like you were trying to introduce a hook or connect the backstory with the first chapter. It too vague to explain much to the readers or to get them to turn the page and read on. I think it was a good idea to try and link the prologue to the rest of the story but it probably needs a bit more detail.

The history of events was quite well told and although it was all narrative as prologues often are, you varied the way you told the story so it didn’t become monotonous and the action, the argument between the friends and the war between their countries, was quite intriguing.


*StarG* Suggestions:

everyone who saw him laid themselves against the ground before the feet of their new god
The sentence sounded a little awkward; I wonder if something simpler like, “everyone who saw him knelt at his feet” would work better.

access to it's secrets
You need “its” without the apostrophe, the possessive form of the neuter pronoun "it." “It’s” is a contraction for it is or it has.

sustain they're friendship
This should be “their,” the third person plural possessive adjective, used to describe something as belong to them. They’re is the contraction of "they are."

A lone assassin threw his arm towards the stage
I wasn’t sure what image you were aiming for here. Did you mean he waved his arms, doing magic? I think that sentence might need some clarification.

Soon, War broke out.
“War” should begin with a lower case letter.

as the years past,
You need “passed” which is the past tesnse of the verb “to pass” meaning “to proceed, move forward, depart; to cause to do this.”

Niether side
Just a typos, “Neither.”

The dark magic users had won
Had they? I got the impression that neither side won, they just eventually worked out a compromise but both sustained heavy losses and neither seemed to gain much other than preventing further loss of life.

they're lust
Again, this should say “their.”

the crystal's of power
“crystals” is plural so you don’t need the apostrophe.

none still remained
This was the beginning of the sentence so “None” should begin with a capital letter.

song's and stories
As this was the beginning of the sentence, you need a capital letter at the beginning of “Songs.” Also, it’s plural and you’re not trying to indicate possessive so you don’t need the apostrophe.

found the crystal's again
“Crystals,” no apostrophe.


*StarP* Final Thoughts:

Those errors are all quite minor and will be easy to fix. What I would concentrate on is the end of the prologue and perhaps trying to find a better way to lead into the rest of the story. You have a good start here and clearly you have given this tale a lot of thought as you created a unique world as a setting for it and described the background in some detail. Although it’s not really clear where the story is going to go apart from the one hint about the girl, it sounds like an interesting tale.



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