*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4141680
Review #4141680
Viewing a review of:
 Claire and Johnny's Adventure  [E]
This is the middle of a story I started a couple years ago, a magical adventure.
by LO
Review by Tiggy
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central" 




I started with this part because it seemed that you posted it before the actual beginning of the story. Of course that meant that I wasn’t quite sure who the characters were or what their story was, but the basics soon became clear. In the second sentence, one of the main characters conjured a unicorn which gave the story a pretty strong direction! I understood that the two main characters were on the run and they needed to find a book, and also her father. The rest came together as the story developed, and you certainly have quite an involved tale her with quite a few twists and turns along the way.

The main characters are likeable and although the readers don’t know their backstory it’s clear that they have good intentions although it might have been one of them who accidentally caused whatever happened to the father – but that’s what they are trying to put right now. Since I already imagined a bit of a fairy tale setting, I pictured the two librarians like the fairy godmothers from Sleeping Beauty. They provided a bit of humour in a tense scene as the children had only just escaped the beings that were following them and had to hurry, but the awkward conversation delayed them quite a bit.

There seemed to be all sorts of magic going on, the best kind where the characters could just wish for whatever they needed and it would appear, or the surroundings would change to whatever they required, like the liquid windows. While that is a great idea and certainly something that I would want in real life, I don’t know if it’s too much of a copout for a story. What’s to stop them to simply wish for the main character’s dad to appear, or the baddies to turn into something non-threatening? There seem to be no limits, none that I could see anyway. Perhaps it just seemed that way because I haven’t read the beginning or an introduction to this tale that would explain the setting a bit more and set the parameters of this magic. I had a similar feeling with some of the events though. For example, you mentioned that it was Claire touching the book that somehow alerted the Shadows to her dad’s whereabouts. This seemed to come out of nowhere near the end of this part where it would probably have been better to at least hint at this earlier.

I wasn’t sure about the character development. The characters were quite busy the whole time but they didn’t show much emotion about anything that happened. My favourite part was the dream. Where the rest of the story seemed like the characters, despite all the obstacles, were in control, the dream put a bit of a dark spin on the tale and showed their vulnerability. It also gave her a bit of depth that was previously missing.

I think the tale needs some more work to flesh out the characters and perhaps define the magical element a bit more to make it seem less overpowering. It might help if you showed the limitations or explained what the characters can and can’t do. But you have an interesting start here and certainly a very intriguing idea for a story.



A Simply Positive reviewing sig.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/11/2015 @ 9:52pm EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4141680