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 Review #4141805 |
 Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon"  !  First Impressions: A very tragic story and although you didn’t say what happened after the events, I assume that there wasn’t a happy ending for Valentino or Ivana. What should have been a joyful story about a young family with a new baby ended in disaster, and mainly because of some people who weren’t directly involved causing trouble for others and abusing them. The role of Valentino’s mother seemed particularly sinister as she was the one who told her stepfather which directly led to the abuse. But it seemed that no one was blameless in this tale. You used the weather to show the mood of the story and even without saying it, it was clear that this wouldn’t be a happy story once you described the rain and linked it to the sorrow in the village. There wasn’t much in the way of descriptions or character development, and to me that was quite noticeable. I would have liked to know more about the setting and the people. The best way to achieve that would probably be to slow down the narrative and use a bit of dialogue to break it up. For example, if you showed the readers how Ivana would have told Valentino her news, you could include his reaction which would give his character some depth, and you could describe where the conversation took place which would show some of the setting.  Suggestions: I noticed that the story began in past tense, as it should since the narrator explained that this happened years ago, but you switched to present tense several times. If you read the story again slowly you’ll spot the verbs you will need to edit. Also, watch out for words that require apostrophes to indicate possessive. When you talk about “their dads pension” or “Valentinos mother” you need apostrophe in “dad’s” and “Valentino’s.” and it had passed years That line sounded a little awkward. “and years had passed” maybe? surviving out of their dads pension I think the phrase is, “surviving on.” It was a traumatic You don’t need the “a” in that sentence. Or you could say, “It was a traumatic incident” or something like that. and if you ask me. Not quite I would replace the period with a comma as the thought continues when the narrator explains his thoughts. freaking out cause of the series I think that was meant to say, “because.” The same error happened again a little later on, “worried cause he is” Rain was dark color, almost black. That didn’t seem to be a complete sentence. “The rain was a dark colour” or “was dark in colour”? making that bastard never I think there was a word missing, “making sure.”  Final Thoughts: The story didn’t seem finished because although you told the readers what Valentino did, you didn’t say what happened afterwards. What happened to Ivana? The readers were left with a few questions at the end so it would be helpful of you perhaps wrote a couple more paragraphs to finish the tale. The main thing I would concentrate on is fleshing out the story and bringing the characters to life. It is difficult for the readers to sympathise with them if they are only told about the events without getting the impression that these could have been real people whose lives were in danger or being ruined. I realise that there was a word limit as this was a contest entry but you seem to be well below that, so you have some room to expand this tale if you wish.    My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/04/2015 @ 8:58am EDT