Hi ~Lifelessons~

I'm Bikerider

I'm reviewing your story for the

FORUM

Paradise Cove Writing Challenge-On Hold  (18+) A romance/erotica contest from The Talent Pond. #1380461 by Jeff

I hope you find my comments helpful.

Review of "Invalid Item" 


Met the contest prompt:

Yes. You not only fulfilled the prompt, but you did it be creating an interesting story around it. Using the prompt to entice Jack to come to her apartment, Natasha sets him up to get caught. Very nicely done.


Suggestions:

We all make errors when we write, sometimes in our haste to keep pace with the things our muse is telling us, we make simple errors. Those errors result in slowing the action in the story. A thorough edit will reveal those errors, but as an example I have listed some examples here.

You wrote: Jack was taken aback, he wasn't expected [expecting] the annoyance in her voice.

You wrote: Natasha couldn't help but wonder if [it] was her they were talking about.

You wrote: She stroked his ego and he stroked her naughty side.

You wrote: Her teeth clamped causing her veins in her head swell with anger. Did you mean: Her teeth clamped, causing the veins in her head to swell with anger.

Please understand that this is only my opinion, but as the reader of this story I felt I should mention this.

You wrote:
Jack was the very reason Natasha would never get married. Men can be scum. Really Jack was a nice guy, but the fact that he lies to his wife to run into another woman's bed makes him scum. {Begin new paragraph here] Her apartment was simple, with nothing but the necessities...

I think the story flow is interrupted here. You begin the second paragraph telling about Jack, but in the next sentence you are describing the apartment, which seems to come from nowhere as it's written. I suggest beginning the 2nd paragraph with the description of the apartment.



Comments:

You did a good job showing the theme of your story: Hell hath not fury like that of a woman scorned.

You did a good job with your opening paragraph; you introduced the conflict--a married man. A reader will make up their mind quickly whether to read a story or not, so those opening sentences and paragraphs are very important. You handled the opening well by introducing a character and giving your reader some information about the plot and conflict. Well done.

I found it interesting, and refreshing, that you chose to have 'the other woman' be the one to clue in the wife about Jack's infidelities. He didn't get caught because of lipstick on his collar, and not because of mysterious phone calls or credit card purchases. Instead he was set up by the other woman who was outraged when she saw jack with 'the other woman.' That's a nice twist that keeps the story moving.

The dialogue used in the story is well done. It moves the story forward and gives the reader information in an interesting way.

I enjoyed reading your story. It has conflict, fleshed out characters, good dialogue, and a very good resolution.

Good job. Good luck in the contest.

Keep writing.

Bikerider

Thank you for entering the Paradise Cove Contest.

My review has been submitted to "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .